We all get reality checks at different points in our lives. More so when we least expect them and they’re not always something we want to own. Recently reality has checked me on the fact that I’m not who I was. It slapped me in the face because I heard that someone said something about me and knowing this person and our past, I know they said it. However, I didn’t get mad or even care to ask them which had me stuck for a few days. I literally kept trying to get myself to say something and I did not, but what really got me was when I didn’t vent to the either of the three people that I usually do.
Venting has been a huge part of my “get over it” process which is something I’ve been trying to break myself free from. Why? Well, I can’t act like I don’t realize that they’re fed-up with my constant need to talk. I’m not upset, I’m just now fully accepting that people don’t always want to or know how to help, but they also don’t want to or know how to say that. But it wasn’t until I became the listening ear that I caught on. Now, I didn’t mind listening however that constant calling and texting every single day is what I couldn’t deal with. I have my own life and my own problems, but I had to voice that because they weren’t going to stop if I didn’t. It did take me a minute because I didn’t want them to feel like I didn’t care or to be upset, but I wouldn’t have been able to go on without saying anything to them. I’ve been in their shoes, so I know what it’s like to vent so much that you don’t realize you’re venting too much, but they understood this when I said it. I stopped venting because I know what I felt is what they do/did feel and I know it’s not easy to say that so I said it to myself, for them.
With reality helping me figure things out along the way I also learned that I’m not incapable of hurting someone’s feelings, whether it’s done intentionally or unintentionally. And when I say unintentional I literally mean whatever I said or did WAS NOT FOR NOR ABOUT YOU. Around February I had made a post on Facebook which led to someone thinking that I was talking about them. The way they called themselves confronting me was absolutely childish, but that’s them. Now, I NEVER SAW THIS PERSON AND MYSELF AS FRIENDS yet when it was all over, I realized that they did. I’m not going to lie it took me a few weeks to even acknowledge that fact because, again, I didn’t consider us friends AT ALL. I used to be the girl who thought because I was cool with you that automatically made you cool with me too. Everyone doesn’t understand that it’s not that simple even as an adult. So, when I decided to put myself in their shoes, I instantly understood what they felt. They felt hurt because it came from me and the shoe fit. I’ve felt this too because in the past, post from certain people have triggered me as well and when I said something I felt dumb because it wasn’t meant for me. So, it wouldn’t have been that deep if they didn’t think I was talking about them.
I also feel like they wouldn’t have said anything if it wasn’t me because I catch that vibe often until I speak back. I ended up blocking them but that didn’t stop me from seeing the shady post before I could block them from each site. And that takes me to my next reality check.
I used to sit and make post all day long, indirectly about whoever I had an issue with. Nope, this isn’t about to be a, “But they did it too” thing because so what, I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE IT. There were plenty of times when I knew things were directed at me because it would be a “1 min ago” post from the person right behind me and I’m wondering how they even read that paragraph in two seconds, but that’s beside my point. I had to stop that for myself because I would even block people and keep going because I didn’t care. All I saw was they have no reason to feel how they do, my feelings are valid and that’s that. What stopped me was the fact that I wasn’t getting anything from it. I’m going to leave this link to what also helped me see why I needed to stop. (Start at about 0:58 and just listen.) When she said, “Now how did your life change? …. What positive happened in your life after you just tore that woman down?” I started asking myself what did I really gain? Nothing, shit, nada, but 30 minutes to an hour of my time wasted on someone I have no intentions on ever talking to again. I wasn’t going through a mean girl phase as she was, but it still resonated with me in what I was doing. I didn’t get anything from it and won’t get anything from it. I can only own my shit and that’s what I decided to do. If it ain’t directed, it ain’t respected, right?
I think of a lot of shady stuff to say however I have this quote that I made and keep in mind now which is helpful. It has worked for me and that is, “You used to mean something to me, now you don’t. That doesn’t mean I have to let the world know.” One, that’s legit how I feel about a lot of people and still feel with people that I haven’t talked to in years. Two, I have to do something better with my time than make it known we’re no longer like we were and then have to explain it to the world – because I brought the attention when I started – just to end up apologizing or having regret in the end. However, I DO NOT FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT EVERYBODY and I just wanted to make that clear, but if it’s not worth it to me then it’s not worth it. Some people make themselves look like an ass on their own. They don’t need my help so I’m leaving that alone.
I am at peace with each day that I accept what is in place of what I wish it was. Reality has been hitting me where it hurts, but this last thing is what got me. And that’s the reality that everybody isn’t like me. I’m getting too old to still be expecting people to not only understand where I’m coming from but to even see where (I feel) they’re wrong. I wish so many people could see who I’m becoming because they’re the ones who never thought I’d get here and honestly, neither did I. I’m still the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve, but I’ve learned to carry a jacket with me.