I’ve been going through a series of changes lately, for the better of course, and with those changes have come a lot of emotions. These are things I thought I was over now, but it’s clear that I am not. This is going to sound crazy, but here goes. It seems like every single time I accomplish something and/or have a good day, I began to question certain people in my life. Not literally but asking myself if what I continue to go through with them is necessary. I don’t take the word “friend” lightly however I’ve come to the understanding that the things I have an issue with in these relationships, they don’t.
I consider myself a sensitive person, more so because others say that I am, but so be it. Where others see sensitivity, I see myself as someone who is very aware of things and simply knows what she wants. I acknowledge when my feelings are hurt, and I would rather talk things out than hold onto them and act like everything is cool between us. The problem is it seems like nobody can ever articulate much of anything besides or that’s close to, “We good”. My problem is WE AIN’T GOOD in my book and that right there is what keeps me questioning if I should continue holding these people to these high standards that I do. I’m not nonchalant when it comes to people that I care about and those who respect me. That alone is a huge reason why 2020 has been my drop-off year. I have literally stopped talking to so many people and truth be told, I do miss them, but I refuse to keep dealing with those who treat me like I’m an option, I’m beneath them and act like they don’t have to respect me. I’ve been way too available for people I probably shouldn’t even have been there for so maybe that helps explain why I’m so hellbent on knowing exactly where I stand with people.
For years I’ve held onto this definition of what a friend is and have envied so many for the friendships they have. And I mean envy in a good way not as a hater because I legit love their friendships. It’s like its normal to not express yourself these days and just go with the flow. But say you’re going with the flow, things are cool, then something happens that makes you feel uneasy. What happens now that the flow is fucked up? Yeah, sure, you can act like you’re good but if you’re like me everything that person does from that point on will bother you until you spit out whatever you’re feeling. However, I also understand that everyone isn’t worth what’s been sitting on your heart.
These days I get really confused by what friendships are which is why I’m overly cautious about who I use the word with. I mean it takes a lot for me to even consider saying the word. Those who pay attention when I talk will notice how I always say, “Somebody I know…” because I refuse to allow the words, “My friend” to slip out of my mouth when I don’t feel like that. I understand that people have their own lives, but there are some who I know are not that busy. I get so upset because when I reach out, the reach back takes forever. Yet, when others reach out it’s rare that I don’t reach back soon if not immediately. That’s my fault though and something I have to work on. Not even on no pettiness just straight giving myself time to think about if I really want to respond at this point or not. I’m over talking out my feelings because if someone isn’t saying, “Well you…” then they’re playing the victim. It truly hurts to know that I feel strongly about letting certain people go, but I have to.
Shit happens and people grow apart, but that’s doesn’t mean that you have to be nasty towards someone because what you guys shared has come to an end. I have children to raise who will one day be sitting with me, emotional about letting a friend or two go as well and I want to be able to tell them that it’s okay to let go. But I also want to be able to say that honestly and the only way I can do that is to teach myself that it’s okay first. I am a very understanding person but I’m also too understanding which I can tell people take advantage of. I’ve had friends who have judged me, questioned me and my choices, even given their opinion on my parenting. And, of course, these are all these things they felt were right because “that’s what friends do”. *rolls eyes* Yet, not once did they ever own how shitty of a friend, they were/are to me and I don’t expect them to anymore. It is now up to me to fix what I feel. I’m putting the ball back in my court because it’s going to move this time.