12:36 AM

Sunday, April 19, 2020 I made the conscious decision to delete all of my blog post from June of 2018 up until March of 2020. With the exception of four post. I had been sitting on this decision for so long because I felt like I had something to prove. That something was how long I’ve been writing. What changed my mind was,

  1. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone & that’s with anything in life not just blogging.
  2. I’ve been writing for years & have had several blogs, but have no proof of those sites.
  3. I’ve reached a point in my life where if I can’t stop thinking about something, I need to act on it. 

Side note: I only kept one post from 2018 because it legit means something to me. 

I always hear people say, “People change over the years”, but people change every single day if we’re being technical. It doesn’t always take someone years to get better or worse. I’m not sure about you, but I don’t feel like some people change at all. I changed in who I am and, in my writing, so I was no longer connecting with what I wrote anymore. Re-reading those post made me say to myself, “You were literally writing just to write” and I damn sure was. I had set soooo many restrictions for myself. The way I just wrote “so” is a prime example. I had to post once or twice every week, I had to post for a different category each time, I had to minimize my writing, etc. I was stressing myself out about writing because I wasn’t writing based off of what I was truly feeling nor when I felt like it. 

The fear of hurting someone else’s feelings is what has truly stopped me from a lot of great pieces. I got some backlash from a few posts and I did entertain the bullshit that came with it, but I’ve dealt with that in my own ways in my own time. Part of that bullshit was having to deal with people telling others about my post. Someone had told me about an old acquaintance who was going around talking about me because they thought I blocked them. First of all, that’s super fuckin childish, PERIOD! Second, what was crazy to me was this person was still liking my pictures on Instagram, so it was clear that they just wanted to be part of whatever “beef” there was. I did and still do notify others when I write so, of course, with that person being one of my followers while the person I actually had the issue with was blocked how else would they have known about anything I wrote if not for that old acquaintance? It’s shit like that, that would make me shy away from writing what I was truly feeling so I would write about something random just so I could say that I wrote something.

I can’t apologize to someone for writing about how they treated me. Maybe had they been better to me I wouldn’t have anything to write about in the first place. The truth has three sides, right? So, why can’t I express mine through my blog while others express theirs through shade? –in place of them just blocking or calling me when they have my number? – I don’t use names because I believe in protecting the identities of others, but it’s not hard for a person to identify who they are when they’re the ones who did it. It’s no more my job to protect the feelings of another than it is theirs to protect mine.

“I can only speak for me” is part of my signature because I want to make that clear. I don’t want to make anyone feel how I do because that’s not my goal. You have your feelings while I have mine and although I don’t use names there are people – in my life – who I discuss some of these matters with before I post them. I just like to make sure that I don’t sound too *enters an emotions*. Which brings me to part of my growth in [my] writing. I’m teaching myself to write from my healing and not my hurting. What I mean is if something happened yesterday, I’m not going to hop up and write a post about it today. Why? Because even though I am speaking on how I feel in that moment, that’s that moment. A week or two from now it may not even affect me the same way and I could’ve grasped an understanding from the situation that I didn’t before. 

I’m still trying to piece together the best signature for myself. I’ve had so many that I’ve lost track. I want something simple but still me – if that makes sense. In the end I’ve gone through a lot with myself when it comes to writing. A lot of what I write comes from my real life experiences. I write to share and possibly help others, but to also release whatever was there. I have no issue starting over when I need to so this is another fresh start for me. I HAVE EVERY INTENTION TO RECONNECT WITH MYSELF AND MY WRITING THIS GO ROUND.

4 thoughts on “12:36 AM

  1. Sometimes it is completely necessary to delete old post. I have done it numerous times before. I love fresh starts and I am hoping yours gives you exactly what you need. Also “I’m teaching myself to write from my healing and not my hurting.” is a WORD!! Lets GOOO!!

    Liked by 1 person

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