Dis Too Much

It’s been a minute, almost four weeks to be exact. I’ve been all over the place to the point that I’ve written plenty yet posted none. I’ve been dealing with a lot mentally and finding ways to fully deal with these issues instead of continuously pushing them aside. I started having random breakdowns to the point that I found myself getting frustrated with regular conversations and bursting into tears because of my frustration. I feel like a child who’s tiptoeing around life right now and I just want to, well, walk.

I finished school in March and it felt like the biggest relief ever. I didn’t enjoy my experience, at all, and truly feel like I wasted my time. I don’t feel like it was because it was online classes either, it was the school. Either way, I am grateful to be finished at the end of the day. I wanted to go back but who knows if that’ll happen. Especially since it seems no one is offering the actual major I want. School really took a lot of my personal time away from me (a.k.a. self care) to the point that I’ve been on the same book since January or February. I mean I know I just said, “I finished school in March and it felt like the biggest relief ever”, but I still haven’t gotten back to my “normal”. My sleep schedule is all off, I’m back to not eating three full meals a day, my water intake has decreased, somebody always need me for something and let me not leave out the Coronavirus.

Chileeeeeee! How about we can’t find wipes, sides – rice, beans, canned foods, vegetables, etc. – paper towels, bread, cleaning products, the detergent we can use, and believe it or not… tampons. I ended up buying a menstrual cup which I never saw coming, but I couldn’t not do anything. Shopping is truly ridiculous these days and I want to know,

  1. Are people getting paid every week now or digging into their savings? Because why are the shelves dust empty?
  2. What is toilet tissue going to do?
  3. Why does it seem like the stores where I live aren’t restocking?

I have so many questions because where I live our commissary had – and probably still has – soldiers guarding each aisle and our Walmart had police guarding toilet tissue. Now, if that doesn’t make you scream, “Y’all doing too much”, I don’t know what will. It really is just too much happening at once and seeing all the photos and videos of frustrated people all over has me feeling so many things. One thing that hit me was this woman who was crying because she couldn’t find the diapers she needed. I saw a comment that read, “Just use what’s there” and that comment alone ticked me off because EVERY BABY CAN’T USE EVERYTHING. There is a such thing as diaper allergy. I don’t even think stores are sticking to their “Due to high demand…. only 2 per customer” rule with anything because there’s never anything left.

I know I’m all over the place, but that’s how my life is right now. I have every intention to get back into a routine. The one thing I have stuck with is meditation and I even have my husband and children joining me now. Even though they only listen at night, to go sleep, their participation is what matters to me. My oldest says, “Can I listen to a story?” and I think it’s the cutest thing ever.

I’m back to trying to stop putting pressure on myself to get things done so they don’t feel so forced. If it’s there, it’s there and if it’s not then it’s not. Hopefully I figure this out sooner than later because I’m tired of walking around feeling like there’s not enough time in a day for me to complete anything.

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