We disregard what we want to disregard. People continue to make excuses for the unexplainable because of who the person is to them or they can’t stand up for themselves. It really doesn’t matter how horrible the action is on the horrible scale. We choose to look past these things because they’ve become problems with no solutions now. I know that people are okay just letting things be once they feel defeated, but I’m not one of those people anymore.
This year has been a “put your foot down” type of year for me so far because I was one who couldn’t find a solution. I also wasn’t standing up for myself and it wasn’t because I didn’t know how to. I was made to feel like I was being disrespectful when I spoke up for myself and I never understood it. When a person is used to a certain kind of power over others, they expect to have it over you too. No one has ever told them that what they do is wrong so why should you? This is the cycle I had to go through, the cycle I had to learn so that I could break myself free from it. This was with my own family, my husbands family and even people I considered friends.
It started with certain family members for me and during that time instead of figuring out how to break myself free, I looked for others to fill in that blank space. This is around the time I thought my husbands family could do that for me. I know, I know someone is asking, “Why in the hell would you think someone could fix what they didn’t break?”. My answer is that I wasn’t who I am now so my mind wasn’t making that kind of sense. I got the message early on that it wasn’t going to be any better, but I never broke the cycle. I was taking on double the work, double the heartache, double the confusion. During that time I could do nothing but question myself. I felt like I wasn’t enough, like I wasn’t doing enough and like no matter what I did I never would be enough. I can’t even count how many times I cried in somebody’s lap hoping they could give me answers to change the dynamics of these relationships for me. I felt like I was in a relationship with everyone. It was hard enough dealing with those feelings from my own family, but it only got worse when I tried to be part of what I thought was going to be different.
The problem with disregarding things is that you get hurt and nobody gives a fuck. You have become the one who’s easy to manipulate into feeling and thinking whatever someone wants you to believe. Then, later, when you come to your senses and finally standup for yourself it becomes an issue for everyone. I learned something while going through my transition though and I find this so crazy. Everyone who made me feel a way used the excuse that someone else hurt them that same way. Now, here’s what’s crazy about that to me. If someone hurt you the way I’ve expressed that you hurt me and you know this kind of hurt, why would you want to transfer your/that pain to me?
Side note: You won’t believe this, but I take full responsibility for everything I’ve ever felt. The signs were in my face whether it was something someone said or the energy their presence gave off. I’ve spent years crying over this shit because I allowed myself to feel like I had to deal with these people. I don’t even want an apology anymore. I just want people to own up to the fact that the things they’ve said and done (to me) have been absolutely unnecessary. It’s not like I’d get an apology from people who see no wrong in their actions anyway though. I’m over feeling like I’m obligated to deal with disrespect. But most importantly, I AM DONE APOLOGIZING FOR EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL. Imagine how I feel being treated like an outsider, from my own damn blood, and people expect me to care about the few petty tears they’ve been dropping because I told them that they hurt me. TREAT ME BETTER, ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN YOU CAUSED ME, then maybe we can talk about what it is you’re feeling.