The last time we caught up I ended with telling you guys about some devastating news I received about someone close to me and how that news changed my perspective on what I should put my energy into. I was going to continue on the matter in this post, but decided not to. I had already had my post ready to go not even a week after I wrote my last, but I couldn’t speak on something so life changing and not tell you all who this person is to me. They don’t want anyone to know. So, I’m respecting that and instead talking to you about something that’s been on my mind heavy for months now… *drum roll please*
It’s easy for some to pick up where they left off as if no time has passed and nothing ever happened. I used to be part of that “some” until I accepted that I can’t accept every last moment. I was such an open and friendly person so I didn’t mind having the, “Let’s straighten this out” conversations with anyone. However, I’ve dealt with my fair share of feeling like I’m tolerated till everyone is satisfied with my presence. I don’t like how people have left me questioning myself and the relationship I thought we had. I did want answers, from so many, but I’ve had plenty of time to give myself closure.
A few people have resurfaced by following me on social media and while no one has said anything to me, them following me says enough. These are people I haven’t talked to in months and ones I won’t be picking back up with. I don’t even have intentions to follow them back. I don’t feel like it’s worth the closure I had to give myself. Imagine walking around for months wondering how things went from the two of you talking regularly about any and everything to one day seeing that you’re no longer part of their lives in any way. It’s hard to have to give yourself closure when you don’t even know what the fuck happened. Of all those who have made their way back to me, only one stands out because I was truly hurt behind how they handled our last conversation. And since it’s been so long I’m naturally wondering,
I genuinely cherished this person but the sudden change is what I can’t accept. I’m talking the blue message bubble turned green, messages were read but not responded to, and I kept asking myself what I did wrong. I did end up getting a response, eventually, and it made no sense to me at all. I felt like the response I got was more of a cover-up for what they were actually going through. While that’s cool I still felt/feel like if we were really friends they could’ve come to me in place of me having to track them down. I couldn’t – and still can’t – grasp how what our relationship consisted of ended up being this sudden issue for them. It may have been bothering them for awhile but they never said anything so how would I have known? I couldn’t get over the fact that that’s not how I would’ve went about the situation. I mean how did we go from calling each other “sisters” to me asking for advice being negativity? That shit hurt me but I said it before and I’ll say it again, I did want answers but I’ve had plenty of time to give myself closure.
One thing I took from my troubles of 2019 was that I don’t need to keep anyone around me who makes me question myself all the time. All these emotions have been revisited because I saw that they had followed me. I’m sure someone is like, “It’s just social media” and that’s okay that that’s how YOU look at it. However, YOU ARE NOT ME so I’m sure you can’t feel what I do. I choose to see it as a chapter I can’t revisit because I closed that book. They did what they felt was best for them no matter how I felt about it and I have to do what’s best for me. We can’t pick up where we left off because there truly wasn’t an ending. I peeped certain things afterwards too which made the overall that much worse for me. I felt like I was dealt with and when they were done, they were done. And their intention may not have been to give me a “I don’t care about you” vibe, but that’s how their actions made me feel. I’m passed the point of talking things out too so I can’t act like I’d be willing to have a pow-wow. I would probably ignore them the same way they ignored me. And they may not even want anything. It could just be a follow because they saw something they liked, but either way I want no parts of it. I got hurt, I was hurt, and I don’t want to have to relive that. I will always feel like that entire situation could’ve been handled differently but it wasn’t so it is what it is.
In conclusion, I feel like some things are better left unsaid. I don’t have anything to say because that time has come and gone. I don’t have an issue with the person just the way they handled that situation. I wish them the best, all the peace and positivity too. I never want to be the negativity in anyone’s life so since I was, I don’t see a need to rekindle anything.