When I originally started blogging it was literally something to do for the fuck of it. I didn’t want anyone to know who I was so in my writings I always took every extra mile I could to not make myself so obvious. When you’re someone that people knew/know as weak it’s hard to not sound like, well, yourself. It’s even harder to fake a story that sounds exactly like what you and someone else went through. In 2018 something told me to start fresh and just put myself out there because I could help a lot of people through my experiences, but I still wasn’t being real, real. Something was still yanking me back every post saying, “GET REAL!”. Hell, I call myself being an open book so how can I help anyone when I’m worried about how others feel. Crazy, right? Whelp! 2019 changed all of that for me.
It’s 2020 and last year taught me a little bit of everything but most importantly how to ignore the fuck out of people. I was going through turmoil for months (last year) because it seemed like I could not catch a break. I’ve had some pretty shitty things said to me so you would think every post would be a blood bath of bashing, but it’s not. Although people have made it seem that way. I write from and through my experiences however, I’ve learned to stop writing about situations when I haven’t removed myself from them. In other words, I had to stop writing about things that were still fresh because I hadn’t pieced my final feelings together. I carried the burdens of, “Don’t write that because he’s going to feel like…” and “If you say that you know she will…” and “You know they…”, but I had to let that shit go. Maybe, just maybe if people were better to me they wouldn’t be so worked up about how I view them anyway. I can’t help anyone when I can’t even process how I feel and am overly worried with how people take me writing how I experienced them.
I came into the new year refreshed, with no issues. Then I was, I guess, confronted by someone who felt like I was being insensitive towards them. I got caught up in the back and forth, but ended up blocking them because I don’t have time for negativity. I didn’t like how their sudden dislikes of me were thrown up because it was never said before, but I let it be what it was. There was – and still is – no way in hell that I was going to keep a dead situation alive because someone wanted to believe that I was talking about them when I said I wasn’t. I could not allow myself to get wrapped up in yet another situation where I felt like I was wrong in what I said because someone took it personal. I felt like it was one of those situations where someone felt we were on a different level than we actually were and they got hurt. Which they had every right to be, but I wasn’t going to validate their feelings when I know it wasn’t meant for them and it damn sure wasn’t meant for them to take it how they did. I felt like, “Ughhh NOT AGAIN!!” because I thought I left that shit in 2019. Now, I don’t know what it was about the situation that brought me clarity but it brought me plenty.
I had removed myself from that situation long before the conversation was over which stopped me from overthinking different scenarios of how I was wrong. This was something I did time and time again in and out of my writings so I’m glad I didn’t do it this time. The difference with that situation was it was honestly the first one I didn’t put my heart into so it didn’t mean anything to me. And that’s when it hit me. I was “the bad guy” last year because I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. I accepted the blame people wanted me to take because I cherished people I barely knew because they were nice to me. I was weak, I was desperate for someone to like me and now I see I don’t need any of that around me.
It took all of this to make me a better person. I was going crazy trying to figure out how I became the villain when I wasn’t. I got so caught up in people and things that shouldn’t have meant so much to me that I couldn’t focus on things that mattered. Then, I got a call about a family member being diagnosed with cancer. It was a shock, but that news really helped me see why none of these people and things are or ever should’ve been important.