In every post since August I’ve been saying something along the lines of, “I don’t know why things have been so rough” or “I don’t know why these things happened”, but I do. This was my first official year away from home. Away from everything and everyone I know and love so I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I wanted friends, I wanted to find “my tribe”,- some shit they say in the military – I wanted to feel like part of something and that was the biggest mistake ever. I let my guard down too easy and it backfired tremendously. Everything I’ve experienced has left me saying, “Now I see what they meant.”
I’ve had this blockage of anger because I couldn’t let go of what I couldn’t and still can’t change. I’ve had my fair share in any and everything I went through this year, but the hardest part was dealing with it all. I mean even looking back on my post I realize how fuckin angry I’ve been. There’s been this never ending cycle of the same shit and I couldn’t drop it even though I no longer associate myself with the same people or things. I realize now I couldn’t let it go because of how I experienced those people and I knew that the things they did behind others backs, they were now doing behind mine. You know people always say, “Ain’t nobody worried about you”, but they stay checking your page(s), picking all your post apart, – you know reading too deep into everything – talking about you, even asking about you and you wouldn’t even know. That’s how I felt and for some reason Monday, December 16, 2019 changed all of that for me.
You ever wear a weight vest while doing a workout? I mean a legit workout? Well, I felt like I had just took my weight vest off after that intense workout. I had no explanation for this feeling, but I felt it and I owned it. Now, here it is Tuesday December 24, 2019 and I still feel the same exact way, actually, I FEEL WAY BETTER THAN THAT. I am so grateful for this feeling therefore I’m going to try to explain it. I’ve said in many post before, and I’ll continue in those to come, that I hate when everyone is a “victim”. Nobody ever does anything but YOU and YOU gotta deal with the aftermath of everything. People will try to play you because they feel like they can, but in the end nothing happens. I mean literally nothing happens. Everyone done talked their shit but nobody ever did shit nor sat down to talk to you because that’s “who they are”. THAT is what made me finally let it all go.
It doesn’t matter what I’ve been through with anyone because at the end of the day the only thing that came from my experiences was a lot of talk and gossip. I’m a firm believer that everyone’s mask will eventually fall off – everything will reveal itself in other words – and I don’t want to be around when they do. I’m not going to keep feeling sorry for myself because I had a few bad experiences with some people I didn’t even know a few months. I opened myself up and even when I saw red flags I stayed around. I felt like I needed somebody and yes, I talked my shit too and AIN’T NO “BUT”. I simply can’t deal with the he say, she say when it’s one sided. I’m speaking for me and only me when I say this because people swear by this, but nobody lives by it. If you couldn’t tell me what someone said about me while y’all were cool, don’t tell me now that y’all aren’t.
I’ve also learned to stand up for myself this year and I could tell that it was hard for many to accept. I had someone tell me that I was “acting hard” and I couldn’t see it then, but I understand why they said that now. I’m not even mad because I’ve been giving off that, “I’m weak” vibe. I mean I haven’t had any reason to be defensive around anyone or feel like I had to defend myself until things began to fall apart. I just feel like respect goes both ways no matter how mad anyone is. I’m not with all the “I’ll beat you ass” talk either because talk is talk and it’s talk for a reason. Again, respect goes both ways and that person helped me see why people think I’m weak and I appreciate it. They helped me understand why people literally took my kindness for weakness.
I’ve had to let more people go these last few weeks as well. These aren’t even people I have a problem with per se however I don’t want to associate myself, in any way, with anyone who’s cool with people that are no longer part of my life and never will be again. We may not have a problem, but that’s still your friend. I feel like it’s the right thing to do because people have a way of playing both sides. I started coming up with scenarios of how certain people would find anything out without hearing it from someone else and it just made sense. I don’t have time for that. I’m literally at this point with everyone where if we don’t talk, we don’t need to be affiliated with one another in any way.
I’ve spent enough time talking about the same shit and I’m not doing it anymore. I’ve spent enough time defending myself through MY blog, a platform I pay for. I’ve spent enough time with negativity of any kind and not only am I sick of it, but I’m done with it. I’ve harbored too many emotions from months ago up until now because I’m always putting my feelings into everything and I won’t do that anymore either. I hope that any and every person that visited – or visits – my blog to see if I’m talking about them is satisfied and possibly finds some clarity for themselves as well. However, Khy is done reflecting on those few shitty ass months of her life. From the things people did for me to the things I did for them, because everyone seems to forget that part. From the things I said to the things they did, to the way it all feel apart. I AM DONE ON THE SUBJECT.
Till next year….