When I get upset about something a person did, I know people get confused with thinking that it’s what they did. It’s in fact the principle that leaves me upset. What I mean is it’s not that you did it, but who you did it with. It’s not what you said, but who you said it to. It’s not that you lied, but that you felt a need to lie to me. It’s that you did it after you said you never would. And I’m going to stop there because this post will end up being a list of examples if I don’t stop now.
I have this way about me that brings on too much guilt to do things regardless of how I feel about someone. My conscience would explode if I kept speaking to a person, acting like nothing is wrong when I know that they either know or have an idea that I’ve wronged them. I know people think this “new me” is such a fucked-up individual, but there are some things I still WILL NOT do. I don’t care that things have changed between us or that you did it to me. Some things are more important to me than get back. People say the way someone treats you says a lot and I feel like it’s how they do you when things change that says more. I get it, it shouldn’t matter then but it still does for me simply because it tells me how a person truly felt about me when were cordial.
I understand having to do what’s best for you however a lot of things are done out of spite – regardless of what you’re being told. I’ve noticed with most people that once they start feeling guilty, they just back off. I don’t know if they feel like I can’t handle what’s been done or that they know they won’t stop. Either way I’m good at playing follow the leader. In other words, I know when it’s time to walk away. I don’t know what it is because I listen to these same people talk about how upset they are with the thing’s others do and why they keep their distance, but they do the same shit. Yet they feel they have room to be upset with me for catching on and choosing to not go through the never-ending cycle. Everyone always acts normal until it’s known that their actions have been caught onto.
I hate that while I feel some things can be put behind us, people just make them worse by acting like they don’t know what they did. When it’s clear to me that that’s how things will be dealt with, I let go forever. There is no coming back from that for me anymore because I’m tired of dealing with people that can’t own the wrong in what they’ve done. I’ve had to get over so many things on my own because I couldn’t understand why I was seeing the complete opposite of who people were telling me that they were. I’m not gone lie, I didn’t believe everything to a T, but most of it was convincing. At the end of the day when you don’t know someone you have no other choice than to believe who they say they are until you get to know them – for yourself.
Keep your eyes and ears open and don’t be so gullible like I was. Everything takes time and what’s not meant for you won’t take long to reveal itself. Understand that no matter how you feel nobody is worth you getting bent out of shape over. Protect your peace, move in silence, and keep people at a distance. I was too nice, and I can’t tell you one good thing that came from that. However, I can tell you that I’ve taken my lessons and haven’t allowed anyone to persuade me of anything because I’m my own person. And I won’t lie I did let somebody get in my ear before only to find out everything was a lie. I only found out because I wouldn’t do what they wanted then I became the next target, but that’s why I’m telling you not to do that. I don’t want anyone to feel they have to prove anything to me because I don’t want to know anything anymore. Everything is strict on my end from now on. We’re strictly this or we’re strictly that and that’s strictly it.