It’s been a while since I’ve written, Monday, October 21, 2019 to be exact. In my absence I started a new medication, had more sales in my business, grew distant from people I never thought I would, debated keeping or deleting my blog, changed some eating habits and got better with not feeling guilty about doing what’s best for me. I try to take my time with decision making these days. You know, literally thinking before I react type thing. It has really helped me because if you’ve been following my journey – through my blog post – you know I was horrible with doing anything that I knew was good for me because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Although I do still worry from time to time, I know I can’t move forward in life if I don’t do what I want based off of everyone else’s feelings. With that being said I want to catch you up on some changes I’ve made.
First things first, I STARTED SHOWING UP FOR MYSELF. My definition of this is simply presenting myself in a way that says, “I care about me, I love me.” I was walking out the house in sweatpants and leggings as if they were all I owned. Don’t get me wrong they’re comfortable and can make a statement, but I can still switch it up even though my wardrobe is limited. I kept wearing the same two to three pair of shoes and covering up in hoodies and jackets on top of that. I had decided it was time to look like something, look like I care about myself and not continue going out looking how I feel/felt. Another change I made is my ability to allow things to be what they are. I have grown distant from people I thought I never would and ended up leaving things exactly the way they were. I didn’t do my usual back to back text waiting on a response to try and figure out where we stood through their response or have a sit-down to get to the bottom of whatever was happening or reach out in any way honestly. I can’t say I don’t care about every person this has happened with, but I can say I feel different about my relationships and personal space overall now.
I went through a period of taking a break from everyone which consisted of turning my phone off then changing my number once I came back to, not participating in functions out of guilt and taking time to get my mental somewhat right. It did feel good to change my number and I wanted to create a new page too, but I didn’t. This time I decided to not have to go through the whole finding a name, getting certain followers back, and figuring out what to upload and instead simplified it to unfollowing people. Believe it or not, I’m one who makes sure you unfollow me too because I hate that follow to unfollow shit. The problem with this is I get tired of people questioning why I keep starting over and more tired with those who feel because I choose to not give them my number and/or unfollow them on social media that we have a problem. I don’t feel like either is confirmation that the relationship is good or that there’s an issue between the two of you or not. However, I’m confused as to when unfollowing someone meant that there’s an issue anyway unless it was established beforehand. My whole thing is when our only source of communication is notifications, how cool are we really? And that’s still not me saying I have a problem with you, but that IS me saying that if we stopped communicating and don’t even try, like at all, I don’t see a need for us to watch each other’s lives through screens. We don’t have a relationship so I don’t see the point. Now, somebody, anybody please tell me where the harm in that is.
Now, if that’s an issue then whoever just gone feel however they do because I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t feel I need to explain why I don’t want people that I don’t talk to in my personal space – even though I just did – regardless of what part of my space that is. And if it is that big of a deal I’d rather you assume and ask me in place of just assuming because that is where the real confusion comes from in these situations. I’ve done it so I know, but I asked for clarification. I’m not the type that’s going to have you following me so you can “see my glo up” because if I do have a huge transformation you gone hear about it anyway. Y’all know people talk. It takes too much energy to put all my focus in trying to make anybody feel some kind of way through everything I post no matter the reasoning behind it. With that being said I do feel better about all the changes I’ve made thus far.
I don’t want to feel like a hostage to anyone by continuously forcing myself to pretend that things are different than what they are. I don’t know how many times I have to say this so I’m just going to keep saying it. I am over trying to revive dead relationships. With some we literally just stopped talking and others there was an actual issue, but I can’t hold on either way. I have learned that in the end, no matter what you do, people are going to create their own narrative of how you feel about them based off what’s on their heart. In other words, people are going to make up their own story for why you did what you felt was best for you. And more than likely it’ll be because they feel a way about you and assume that your action(s) confirms the issue they haven’t even addressed – with you. I’ve been trying to figure out how to separate one thing from another for too long, so I decided to jump right in this time. I’ve made too many mistakes since August and they can’t continue. I know I’ve mentioned how hectic life has been since then in previous post so this progress is a must.
As for blogging, I’ve decided to cut all cords of cost and expectations and just go with the flow. I debated too long and hard on keeping my blog because I didn’t – and still don’t – feel as though it’s reaching anyone. For one, I’ve learned that a lot of people actually don’t like to read. Two, people won’t bring attention to what they don’t want to. Three, this year has brought people to my blog only to see if I’ve been talking about them. Four, it’s hard listening to people tell you how good your work is and to continue on. Yet, these are the same people I have to beg to read and share my post. I could go on, but I feel like you’ve caught on. For now I’m going with the flow, setting no restrictions on my writing anymore. I’ll post when I’m ready and however many times I feel like it. There may be two to three post one week and one or none another. I’m strictly going off of how I feel from now on.
I have been getting myself together through everything and each step makes me feel better than the last. From setting boundaries and not allowing them to be crossed, being honest with myself, not letting people talk me down on my prices, owning how I feel and why, and getting my house together. Right now my focus is simply continuing to care for my mental, not pressuring myself to write, not forcing things and doing what’s best for me. I don’t want to be a hostage to anyone else and I don’t want to be a hostage to myself either . I’m not making myself do anything just because anymore. If it doesn’t feel right or I don’t feel like it, IT’S A NO. This is only the beginning of better days for me and I’m going to keep telling myself that.