Forcing myself to remain positive has fucked me up more than anything. It’s literally me forcing myself to own a feeling that I don’t feel and haven’t felt in a long time. I get it, it helps to think positive but when you feel like your whole world is crashing in front of you. WHAT THE HELL IS POSITIVE THINKING GOING TO DO? Nothing, well, at least for me it hasn’t done anything. *shrugs shoulders* I’ve found that counting, finding a space to remain still and meditate, crying, allowing what I need to say to be said, and writing to be helpful though. I get that we’re all different but being positive 24/7 just seems like a nightmare to me and it has been.
I post all these quotes full of positivity all day when I feel completely drained of the word itself. I listen to people say regularly, “Think positive and positive things will happen” and it’s not that simple… for me. Some may agree with me on this and others may not, but unless your life is full of cupcakes and rainbows it’s going to be hard to see the bright side of everything. You can’t tell me that every difficult situation you’ve been in you’ve smiled through it and walked off with not one negative thought. Whether it was the thought of how you truly wanted to react or thinking about retaliating later. They say “shit happens” so why can’t you just let your negative thoughts be?
I get it, you don’t want to be looked at as Negative Nancy but in reality, most of the “negativity” you’re spewing out is actually truth that no one wants to accept. When we get on board with our emotions and stop thinking it’s normal to force ourselves to feel a way that we truly don’t. Maybe a negative thought here and there won’t make you feel like you’re the worst person alive. I don’t understand how we’re told that it’s okay to cry and be angry and “let it out”, but no one associates that with negativity. If you look it up there’s a list of negative emotions and thoughts associated with them. What you’ve experienced is where the majority of those thoughts come from. And I say majority because some of us can just sit and make up our own realities in our heads which is when things get deeper.
I’m not sure if you remember, but a few posts back I talked about how I decided to come off my meds. The antidepressants were helping me, but there was a downside. I was literally always tired. Aside from damn near sleeping my life away I felt as if I was finally allowing myself to feel something associated with happiness. While I thought I was becoming a better person, my husband felt like I wasn’t myself. He told me that there were certain parts about me that were too different for him while I was taking the medication. One of those parts being my reaction(s) when he upsets me. I don’t always express how I feel but when I do, I do. He told me that I was “just too nice about everything” – which is hilarious to hear. I’m one who makes sure I get everything off my chest because once I’m done with a situation, I’m done, but according to him I wasn’t saying much of anything. I remember how I felt and during that time – like any other – I didn’t want to continuously repeat myself. So, I decided that I’d say little to nothing and that’s what got me through with everyone. He sums it up as, “You were a shell of yourself”.
Mental health is a real thing and people make jokes about it all the time, until it’s someone close to them dealing with it. I don’t care that people make jokes out of my mental because I’m not in denial. But cracking jokes about what I choose to own speaks more volumes about you than it does me. Again, your experiences bring on the negative side of things – thoughts and actions – and when you can’t handle all of those things, they begin to destroy your mental. Some of those things are:
- Being bullied
- People making you the blame
- Not being taken seriously
- Childhood trauma
- Changes in (your) appearance
In the last few months I’ve felt trapped in my mind which is why I haven’t written much. I always write MY truths – in my blog – and I had been confronted about doing just that. I flip flopped in how I felt because I didn’t/don’t want to be the bad guy, but I don’t want to stop writing because of how someone else feels either. When I write I’m not painting anybody out to be anyone other than WHO THEY WERE TO ME. Not to mention I don’t ever use names. You can’t tell me how you made me feel. The sad part about this is it seems as if my blog has become a home for people once we fallout. But I’ve dealt with it and realized that it’ll be easier to find an issue in what I write/wrote in my blog versus what someone might be saying about me that I can’t even see. I can’t tell anyone not to shade me or stop them from telling their truth, nor am I concerned. I had to understand that whether what I’m doing is right or wrong in the eyes of others, nobody is ever going to be happy when it’s not their side being told.
As you read from that situation my negative thoughts were simply, “I’m the bad guy”, which I moved on from. That situation is an example of stress and being made the blame. Had I not dealt with it in my own time, trying to see things from both sides, I’d still be wrecking my brain about it. I can’t stress over what I can’t change – although I still do sometimes. I didn’t feel like I needed to own what I was told I was doing. Why? Because in every post I’ve ever written there wasn’t an issue and if there was nobody ever said anything to me about it. Also, it was fresh, and I guess I wasn’t handling it the way others thought I would/should. I remember someone told me they’d never write about me in their blog because it’s “not in their heart to do so”, but it didn’t make me feel bad about what I had written. Not to mention the fact that they brought up the post in a group of complete strangers not being cautious of their surroundings and making as if they’d done nothing wrong to me. But I understand people don’t always see what they did. I’ve always written my experiences out and that’s been how I’ve moved on from each one. Nobody changes what they say about me or how they say it, so why do I have to change what works for me?
The same way positive thoughts are acknowledged are the same way I wish we acknowledged negative thoughts. You’d be surprised at how much clarity you find when you’re at your worse. Lying to yourself about how you feel will only make things more complicated in the end. If I’ve learned anything in my journey of “negativity” it’s that when you can’t find way(s) to cope it destroys your mental, no matter how anyone feels you can’t change who you are just to be part of their world and leave people alone that want to make you the blame for everything. There’s nothing wrong with getting help whether that be through medication, therapy, a group, etc. OWN EVERY NEGATIVE THOUGHT YOU HAVE BECAUSE EVENTUALLY THEY’LL TURN INTO POSITIVE ONES.