Depression has its ways, but it kicks my ass… REGULARLY. I knew from an early age that’s what it was however I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD FOLLOW ME THIS FAR. I was always the one taking on everyone else’s issues while mine were being overlooked. It has been tough hearing things such as “Let it go”, “You’ll get over it”, and any other nonchalant response that says, “Whatever you’re going through isn’t that deep”, loud and clear. Knowing that no one is obligated to care would make you think I’d go about asking for advice and venting differently, right? Nah. I’ve always felt like, and will always feel like, venting is healthy. It’s (some of) the people I vent to that aren’t healthy. Sometimes they don’t even need to say anything, it’s all in the way they act.
When my family and I first moved I wouldn’t come out of the room. I thought I was homesick or something, but it was really my depression. It took over and it took over bad to the point that I barely saw the light of day. And my children were affected by it as well. It got so bad that I decided to take antidepressants. I felt like a brand new person the first month or so, then, the side effects started to show. I was always sleeping to the point that even when I was up it was only so much, I could do. So, I got off of them and felt the drastic change immediately. I went cold turkey which I had no business doing. I just thought I could do it on my own until I realized I’ve been trying to for years.
People think depression is strictly bad thoughts and while for some it may be, that’s not the case for me. There are triggers that can cause your depression to be so much worse than it is and the majority of them are around you daily. Well, that’s part of what makes my depression worse on top of personal things that started within myself. You see, being the one who’s always available for everyone else is hard. Now, imagine being surrounded by people who say, “I got you”, “I’m here for you no matter the time of day”, and “You’re never bothering me”, when in all actuality THEY DON’T MEAN ANY OF THAT SHIT. I feel like over half the people I associate myself with don’t even acknowledge me, let alone show they care, until they want something. Knowing that people don’t mean the things they say, that’s a trigger. And shit like that messes with MY depression.
I’m at this point where I feel like I can’t trust anybody. This is when I start to isolate myself and could careless who does or doesn’t reach out. I went through a lot last month and I feel like that’s part of how I got here. It showed me that even those I thought were different, weren’t. All I heard was he say, she say, but never anything that was beneficial to me. People grew distant and so did I. And it’s not because I don’t care for them but if you choose to believe what someone told you I said, after I told you I didn’t say it, that’s your business. When it gets to a point where you feel that you have to choose sides, I PREFER YOU NOT CHOOSE MINE. When eenie, meenie, miney, mo becomes necessary in order for you to decide if you want me in your life or not, I don’t need to be in it. IT’S NEVER THAT DEEP.
I always felt like I was happiest around others until recently. I had to take a look in the mirror, then through my “friends” list – on social media, then through my contacts, and back at myself. I saw how many dead flowers I was regularly watering and more so out of guilt than anything else. The affect this guilt held on my mental was completely and utterly ridiculous. The guilt, that’s a trigger. There was absolutely no reason I was holding onto people the way that I was. Some I’d known for months, some weeks, and some years. I always felt this obligation to stick around which I see is stupid now. People only do to you what you allow, and I saw that I allowed people to use me – when no one else was available – and walk over me. It had to end so I put an end to it… with a fresh start.
I wanted to delete and block people but that didn’t feel like enough for an actual fresh start. Not only did I create new socials, I changed my number, and had some conversations. I’ll admit I didn’t want to have too many conversations, so I held those I felt were necessary. I brought up the changes I’m currently going through and how I’m no longer going to water dead flowers in my garden. I explained to these people that they are flowers I want to continue watering and watch grow because I don’t feel we’ve gotten this far for nothing. However, it’s ultimately up to them where our relationships end up because I’m giving 50/50 from now on. Hell, even if it becomes 10/10. I’m not giving more to anyone than given because it’s done nothing but left me upset. Being more to others than they are to me makes me feel like they don’t care, that’s a trigger. I stress myself out too much about the well-being of others, especially when they blame me for their feelings, but I KNOW I HAVE TO STOP CARING SO MUCH. People have said some foul things to me and acted as if they were joking. They’ve done foul things to me and acted as if I was wrong for reacting at all. Therefore, the meter of caring more for others is now broken. I COME FIRST AND WHATEVER COMES OF US IS WHAT COMES OF US BECAUSE I CAN NO LONGER TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS FEELINGS JUST BECAUSE THEY NEED SOMEONE TO BLAME AND THINK I’M “IT”.
My depression comes from things within but also the need to be responsible for everything. It has drained me and worn me down. The need to be responsible started early so it’s what led up to my depression. From things happening at home that I KNEW my brother did, but still taking responsibility for it so we both wouldn’t get in trouble. He never thanked me. Situations at school where I had the backs of those who would never change and never came through for me. They acted as if I was wrong for cutting them off. And in life overall dealing with manipulative people who never see the wrong in anything that they do. MY depression is a lot deeper than inner thoughts and yours may be too, but you have to choose to acknowledge it. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYTHING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. People have been allowed to make you feel bad because you have let them – as have I. You don’t owe anybody anything and if I’ve learned anything these last few weeks it’s that it’s best to sit back and let things be what they are. People will do what they want, believe what they want, say what they want, and you can’t change any of it. Pick and choose who you allow in your space wisely and don’t feel bad when it’s time to cut ties.