Breakup Season

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When you hear the word “breakup” you automatically think boyfriend/girlfriend. Whelp! That’s not my case. Within the last few days, literally, I’ve lost friends and those I thought I could consider such. I’ve had hurtful things done to me and I’ve done hurtful things to others. Although, I can say every situation hurt me in a different way, I truly believe it was all meant to happen at some point. I’m the type that holds onto things until I’m satisfied with the way I choose to handle it – if I say something or not. When I chose to say something, I got hurt which I wasn’t expecting. And when I chose to say nothing, I ended up hurting someone which I damn sure wasn’t expecting.

icanttamarThe situation where I chose to say something was a huge misunderstanding. I’m not saying that makes what was said okay because my character was still slandered. I ended up losing someone I was getting really close to and felt I could relate to on many different levels. They felt I used them for my own benefit and that’s not me. All I could do was apologize because I knew they were hurt by what they THOUGHT I did. In the end I chose to stop trying because it hurt more that they would think of me that way – and that I apologized numerous times for something I didn’t do – then the actual situation overall. Another thing was continuously hearing how hurt they’ve been by others which is why they chose to deal with me in the manner that they did. And I get it, I’ve been hurt too, but holding me accountable for those in the past doesn’t do whatever we were creating any good. I was held accountable for something I didn’t do and wasn’t even asked about it. I had to press the issue because I would have never known. I was made out to be this user and person that I am not which hurt. But what hurt the most was that they didn’t even come to me. Everything could’ve been avoided, and we could still be cool, but I don’t like how they handled the situation.

With this other situation where I chose to say nothing… it caught up to me. It’s literally the opposite because I didn’t feel comfortable talking to them. I was texting my husband about how uncomfortable I was with the situation and ended up accidentally sending the text to someone very close to the person instead. That was very careless of me and I noticed too late. I didn’t know whether or not they’d say anything to the person, so I decided to come clean. Even though I was forgiven I couldn’t forgive myself because of how careless I was. I wish I had felt comfortable enough to say how I felt to them – as did they – but I didn’t. I was more worried about hurting their feelings with my truth that I still ended up doing so with my mistake. I owned what I did and always will, but I had to deal with it the way I felt was best. I removed them from socials and decided it was time to let go. If there’s anything I hate, it’s hurting someone’s feelings and that’s exactly what I did. I doubt we’ll rekindle anything. I won’t lie, I would like to, and I know they would too. Hell, I was forgiven but what I did wasn’t okay. Just a text or not I should have spoken up.

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Regardless of how I felt or feel now about either situation I truly believe both were bound to happen. I owned my part in both situations because it’s who I am. But what bothered me is hearing, “I’ve done things for you”. I’ve spent the last 24 years of my life listening to people throw what they’ve done for me in my face. What anyone has done for me has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand regardless of where I stood or stand on the right or wrong meter. Even if it wasn’t meant that way, that’s how I took it. I wouldn’t have even brought that up, but I can’t tell anyone what to say or how to feel.

I knew something was going to happen, good or bad, I just knew it was. I am the furthest from religious however I do believe in God and prayer. So, basically, I don’t claim a religion I just believe. Like I said in the beginning of this post, “Although, I can say every situation hurt me in a different way, I truly believe it was all meant to happen at some point.” And I stand behind that 100% because I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Whether I’m in the wrong or not and whether I got my feelings hurt or not. I prayed and asked for prayers – from others – before both situations occurred because regardless of what I thought was going to happen, I just needed the truth to unfold and it did. I miss them both, but those situations happened for a reason and even though I don’t understand why, I have to trust that it was time.

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I’ve spent the past few days feeling sorry for myself on one hand and guilty on the other. But regardless I know that neither situation makes me a bad person. I feel like I’m always trying to prove myself and that’s how I end up in these situations. I’m always saying, “I’m a good ass person” and I am, but I make mistakes too. However, I can’t seem to accept the fact that making mistakes is something I’m capable of. I don’t have to keep saying how good I am because people will see it for themselves if they choose to get to know me.

I’m the person that doesn’t speak up when you make jokes disguised as shade towards me because I don’t like drama and am more concerned about your feelings than my own. I’m the person that keeps pressing the issue until you give me an actual answer because I don’t want you falsely accusing me, so I have to clear that up. I’m the person to sit around you uncomfortable and all because I enjoy YOU and don’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m the person that’ll talk to you after I’ve heard you talk about me because I have a forgiving heart. I’m the person that gives more than I can take and more than I have. I’m the person that holds myself accountable whether you do or don’t. And I’m the person that still wonders how you’re doing after we fallout.

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My mistakes don’t define who I am and neither does the way you feel about me. I have some forgiving of self to do and a lot of it. I always thought I’d be the overly sensitive person people have known me to be since middle school, but she didn’t come out this time. I shed a few tears with both situations but they’re not affecting me the way I thought they would. I feel like that’s because I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t control anyone else’s feelings whether I was in the wrong or not. I can’t predict what the future holds but I can only hope it makes me more cautious of those I keep around me and more comfortable with being vocal. Each situation teaches me a lesson – or two – and I am grateful.

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