Disclaimer: Before I get into this I’d like to say I know there are people bigger and smaller than me suffering from their weight issues. However, this post, MY POST, is about ME. WE ALL FEEL HOW WE DO ABOUT OURSELVES PERSONALLY AND I’M EXPRESSING MY FEELINGS IN THIS POST.
When I weighed myself a week or two ago I was 165 lbs. I’ve been around that size for months now – literally two pounds more or less, but always around 165. I don’t think it’s a bad size however it reminds me of my first pregnancy weight. It kept going up and up until I was damn near 200 lbs. and that is where it all began. With the weight gain came the personal body shaming, the stress to look how I knew I never would again, holding onto clothes I knew I couldn’t fit just to feel like I had some, and depression was already on my nerves long before this it just got worse. Two days ago, I took everything out of my closet and decided it’s time for me to let go. I can’t even begin to tell you how many small to medium clothes I had. Too small leggings, jeans, and dresses. Clothes with tags still on them. I mean cleaning out my closet – no pun intended – made me feel new if you will. I feel bad now looking at the three short sleeve shirts and six crewnecks I have hanging up alongside the four pair of jeans I have. But hey, at least I’m no longer holding onto false hope. And yet and still I find negatives
If there is anything that pisses me off it’s people talking about how they’re struggling yet they aren’t. Dude! I’m in XL underwear, L shirts, and I’m not even going to tell you my jean size. Not to mention my 1-year-old in 2T clothing and 2 – going on 3 – year – old in 5T clothing and a size 10 shoe. Writing this shit right now has me in tears, but when I say we are struggling…. you wouldn’t even believe it. To look in my closet and know I don’t have options is one thing. To throw away all these recently brought clothes for my children because they’re sprouting faster than ever is another thing. To wake up every single day not knowing when the fuck or where the fuck you’re going to get your basic needs from is one of the worst feelings ever and a whole other thing. Whenever I talk to people about my struggles I always hear, “Same”, BUT HOW? These are people that don’t have kids, that have a support system behind them, friends they can call on for anything, and then some. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TRY AND ACT LIKE THEY CAN RELATE TO ME, LIKE THEY FEEL MY PAIN. It’s so disrespectful to me. I keep telling people and I cannot stress this enough, military does not mean money unless you’re high ranked. I consider how I feel a negative because I know it won’t always be this way, but I don’t live in the future. I can’t be happy because I have hope that it’ll get better in the future. That’s the future and hope but what about MY PRESENT? MY RIGHT NOW? Which brings me to my worst enemy who just won’t go away.
I’ve suffered from depression for years, since early teens which I talked about in a post awhile back. It’s just not letting up and I can’t even act like I care to fix it anymore. I’ve gone from writing to therapy to medication and yet I’m still depressed. I know it has a lot to do with my current situations and feeling like I can’t get ahead, but it gets better. I just can’t see the light. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life sulking in my shortcomings, I want to find happiness. It has to start somewhere and that’s the big question…. WHERE? Where does my journey to happiness begin?
I decided this week that I can no longer be more to anyone than they are to me and I have to mean it now. No more making excuses for anyone because no one makes excuses for me – they just judge. I have to find an outlet outside of reading and writing because although they’re therapeutic I haven’t been giving them my all lately. I have to stop beating myself up about my weight because in all actuality I’m never going to be 125-130 lbs. again and I truly don’t want to be. I just want a flat stomach – some toning too. I know I need to stop venting to certain people who only make things worse for me because at this point, I can only be mad at myself. I have to know that I am a great mother and regardless of their (my childrens) growth I don’t and won’t see them without. I always make sure my kids are good no matter what. Deep down I know I got this. I’m doing all I can to make sure I’m somewhat level headed. But I’m going tell you something I heard yesterday that sums up my life, “Sometimes you gotta rob Peter to pay Paul”. And I know someone is going to laugh at this even though I am so serious right now, but I’M GOING TO KEEP ROBBING PETER’S ASS TO PAY PAUL UNTIL I CAN PAY THEM BOTH. Financially, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically I can’t give anyone what I do not have. And I need to practice putting me first so I can give myself some positivity and support in place of giving it all to others.