These last few days I’ve been in write then delete then write it again mode. I have so many topics but so little to say. Which is crazy considering I know exactly how I feel. Maybe I’m just not feeling it and couldn’t complete any of those topics because it was guilt writing.
Even though that’s part of why I’m writing this post. I try to stay away from the, “it’s been a week I seriously need to post something” mindset yet I can’t. Consistency is key and being real my blog is about the only thing I’ve been consistent with. Well, aside from being a mother which I have no choice but to be. It’s about the only thing I have specifically for me that allows me to be my authentic self.
I am currently under construction from so many things I can’t even count. One of those things being deciding I was going to stop taking my meds – straight cold turkey. The first day I didn’t notice a difference which was to be expected however as the next few days passed, I knew I was in over my head. My thoughts were not only ridiculous but nonstop, I felt this need to take the filter off of my words, my sleep pattern was completely thrown off and worse than my usual and my face felt heavy and swollen. I don’t even know what day I’m on, but I know I need to start back up. But how? I stopped for two reasons,
- I feel like I haven’t been able to take care of myself the way I truly need to.
- I DON’T WANT TO BECOME DEPENDENT ON YET ANOTHER THING IN MY LIFE
As peaceful as it’s been living in my own home being away from family has been rough. I could depend on a good five people – if that – back home. The last six to seven months I’ve been solely dependent on my husband which is a challenge. I’ve had to cancel appointments – regular doctor’s appointments and therapy – and on the flip side in the afternoons and on weekends if he’s tired, nothing gets done. I feel like I gave up my independence when I agreed to stay home four years ago but this shit is absurd now. It seems as if it’s always something and there’s never any room for me to do what I want or need to do. Sometimes, I feel like a child asking my parents to do something only to hear “in a minute” which turns into the next day. I feel like being a stay at home mom gives him and those around me a reason to look at me as less than. No one has ever said that to me however we all know that actions speak louder than words.
I find myself venting a lot which ends with me wishing I hadn’t. I am very clear in what I am and am not comfortable with so when the same opinions are continuously thrown at me, I feel blank. One of those things being putting my children in daycare. Which I’ve talked about a million times before. I feel like the world has been setup in ways to help parents who NEED – or simply want – help. I’m not a parent who needs help but I could use a break. I’m not going to pay anyone to watch my kids when I can do it for free. EVERYONE ISN’T COMFORTABLE PUTTING THEIR CHILDREN IN DAYCARE, IT’S ME, I’M EVERYONE. And I wish people would respect that. I’ve always been one to keep my opinion to myself especially when I can tell someone is upset yet it’s not the same when it comes to me. I know my children won’t know the world by their current schedule of home-schooling and going outside to play with the neighborhood kids. However, my children are not vocal although my 2-year-old can say certain things. I want them both to be able to speak to the point where if – God forbid – someone does or says anything inappropriate to them they can come back and tell me or someone else. But they’re also one and two-years-old not ten and twelve-years-old so we have time. People are crazy and I’m not going to apologize for not trusting people with my children, PERIOD.
I’ve always felt like I owed the world something and I don’t. I’ve allowed the opinions of others to put me in this never-ending trance of, “What do I do?” when the reality is, I have to do what makes me happy regardless of what they think. LISTEN! I understand that people care and are “only trying to help”, but I get this sense that people forget we’re all different. It’s like there’s a right and wrong way to live and when someone isn’t living their “right” way, the opinions fly. Then, there’s the part of me that feels like people say certain things to me because they feel like I won’t say anything back. I really just want someone to listen, I could seriously do without the input. Between school, home, my small businesses, my depression, and sleep pattern I’m all over the place.
I can honestly say I have a lot of built up anger, but it hasn’t made me hostile… I don’t think. There are days I want to say, “Please shut the fuck up”, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I feel alone in everything I do which has opened my eyes to how much I overextend myself. I’m choosing to give what I’m given from here on out. I know things will get better and I know that has to start with me. I have to stop choosing to be blind to the obvious. I’m not going to rush into doing anything I’m not ready to do, but I will continue preparing myself and my family for the future. I want to start taking some time away for me. I want to start being unavailable because there are times I do not want to be bothered – yet I’m responding out of guilt. I want to stop being so hard on myself because I know things won’t get better overnight. I want to reach a wider audience with my blog and businesses. I want to be better overall and I’m going to get there by doing what works for me.