I’m not the healthiest when it comes to mental health these days. However, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that could possibly make things worse. I don’t know why it’s so heavy on my mind, but it is. Of course, there are pros and cons and I know both sides from experience. But I don’t know the outcome or the affect it could have on me in my current state. The urge to find out is a lot stronger than the one to not. I honestly don’t know what the hell is going on with me and this thought, but it’s time I let it out. I have this strong desire to have another baby.
I know those who know me personally just read that and yelled, “WHAT THE FUCK!!!!” and so did I. Well, when the thought first crossed my mind I did. I’m not sure why this urge becomes stronger each day, but reality sets in at the right times. It shows me things around my home, in my marriage, in myself, in my current parenting that tells me loud and clear I’m not ready. But here’s where things become more complicated for me. I’m still in my early 20’s and already have two children which I did feel bad about until I began to look at things differently. When I’m 40 – a little younger actually – and my children are older I can enjoy life because they’ll be old enough to do for themselves whether they’re still at home or not. So, having a baby after or by 30 isn’t an option for me at this point.
I’m currently a stay-at-home mom so adding another child would probably stress me out. Seeing as how I’m ALWAYS home and I know this. However, what better time than now, when I’m not doing anything, to have another one? I know, contradictions everywhere but this is what goes on in my head daily. Of course, my husband wants another however he also can’t seem to see things my way. Not wanting to nurse (breastfeed) is the main thing and I know that’s from our youngest not being nursed and us having to pay nearly $100 for three cans of milk. I don’t want to nurse because I see how it’s affected my oldest and I’m speaking strictly on attachment. She’ll be three this year and still does things as if she’s still nursed and I have not figured out how to break her out of it. YES, IT ANNOYS THE HELL OUT OF ME. Another is new bedding if there was a new baby. He’s up and down about buying a new crib however the current one has been used for two children and is squeaking like a door in need of screw tightening and oil. Our youngest has been extremely rough on it and she just turned one. From jumping in it to eating it to yanking it, etc. Not to mention her sister jumping in and out of it too.
When it comes to this urge – that I can’t seem to fight – I can’t tell whether I’m happy or sad. I keep asking myself if I only want a baby because I feel like he or she will make me happy, but I’m not thinking about when I’m stressed out and tired. Another issue is the fact that I want a boy. Yes, I want a male child because I already have two girls and I want the experience of raising a little boy. I’ve thought about adoption but ultimately, it’s not for me. I want a healthy child overall, I’m just being super picky this time around. I mean it’s only right seeing as how whether male or female, and if I have one, this’ll be my last. But again, I don’t even know if what I’m feeling is real or just another thought that’ll eventually pass.
Being young, married, having two children and drowning in my own mind is already more than one should take. Yet, this is my life… currently. I can’t seem to find the right person to vent about this to, so I wrote about it. It’s not a secret and I’m more than positive I’m not the only mother, young or old, who feels this way. Many feel as though mothers are bashing fathers when we say things like, “You can’t understand because you’re not a mother”, but that’s not the case [for me] and it’s factual. Dads don’t have to give birth, dads don’t have to nurse, most dads don’t stay home, most dads don’t have to worry about periods and the explanation, most dads don’t have to fix the girl drama, and most dads don’t even take the initiative to do things because they know mom will take care of it. That’s a hard pill to swallow on both ends, but again I’m not bashing fathers especially because I know some who have to be mom and dad.
Taking everything into consideration I’m hoping this is a feeling that passes sooner than later. I don’t know the “right choice” because I don’t feel there is one. If I have a baby the only option is to care for my child and if I don’t have one, well, I just won’t have another child to care for. For some this is an easy decision and I’m not part of that “some”. Y’all pray for me because I don’t know what to do or what part of me to listen to – my head or my heart.
Not to mention my next pregnancy would be extremely high risk due to previous complications.