I’ve been saying what I’m about to say for years now. However, it’s time that myself and those around me start taking this serious. The worst thing you can do when a person tells you the truth is ignore them. In my case I’m telling you how I am, truthfully. Which is why I’ve decided to write this out. I NEED SPACE IN ORDER FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP TO LAST.
I can’t constantly be around someone and not become irritated or disappointed at some point. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I can’t do it. And I’ve tried multiple times with multiple people, but AGAIN between irritation and/or disappointment it simply doesn’t work. For example, the other day I was told that someone I thought more of and could – eventually – consider a friend wasn’t who I thought or they said they were at all. They decided to put my name in something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. But I take it because I was present during that time it was easier to use me as bait in place of admitting what they had done. However, I noticed they were acting funny – more annoying than usual funny – so I knew something was up. Yet, had I not been around them so much they couldn’t have put my name in anything.
I’ve been on my self-reflection journey hard for months so after hearing this, you know I had to question myself as to what I’m doing wrong. I’ve said in multiple post that I can’t stand a person who always wants to be a victim – when they’re not – which is why I do this. This is my second time being disappointed by someone that I thought more of and I don’t plan on letting there be a third. I talked about the first time in my post Lesson Learned. The only things I feel I’m doing horribly wrong is not believing people when they show me who they are the first time and actually keeping that distance between us.
This may sound weird but the signs aren’t just in how people act around me. It’s in how they treat others, conversations I’ve heard them partake in, how they carry themselves, and mainly how they react when I express that they’ve rubbed me wrong. If you can’t be an adult when it comes time for serious conversations, we don’t need to be friends, PERIOD. I’ve listened to people talk about someone then have it up (have a good time) on the phone with the same person during a car ride. I’ve listened to people talk about someone then turn around and tell that same person that someone else did it and not to tell them who they heard it from. I’ve watched people talk about how judgmental they’re not to someone close to them, but tell me all that persons business with their judgmental opinions included. The list goes on and gets more ridiculous, but I’m sure you got what I’m getting at. These few reasons alone are why it takes me so long to call anyone my friend these days.
I’ve had ONE legit, good friend for seven years now. We’ve grown so close that we consider each other family. Hell, blood couldn’t make us any closer. And I do truly believe we’ve lasted so long because of distance. Not even because we live far from one another because it wasn’t always this way. But because we allow each other space to breathe. She knows I’m here and I know she’s there. We’ll talk every single day or every other one week and not at all the next, but whenever we do talk it’s like a breath of fresh air. I do try to compare others to her because SHE is the type of friend I want. Yes, I know everyone is different, but I also know what I want/need around me. I’m quick to tell someone we’re not friends and they get upset, but I used to be that way too. Sometimes being friendly isn’t the way to make the best friends. That’ll make sense to you someday if it just didn’t. I don’t want to be a bitch but I don’t want people thinking we’re friends when we’re simply cordial in my eyes.
They say don’t punish others for what someone else did to you so I carried that piece of advice through every relationship. And yet and still no one has shown me any different. Then again, I find myself wanting to get close with those I really have nothing in common with or am irritated by which is an issue too because I always want to overlook those huge facts. Overall, I AM BLAMING MYSELF FOR THE FAILURE OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS. Also, I can’t make anyone see what I do when it comes to themselves. They see one thing while I see another and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life slowly, but surely, excluding myself from everything because of a few fake people. I don’t mind hanging out but it has to be spaced out. I don’t mind going out but I don’t want to have to spend money in order to have fun all the time. I have learned that I get along better with older people, but I’m still learning why. I don’t want to have to depend on my husband and sister only when I need a friend so I’m not going to.