I’m teaching myself that removing myself from anything/anyone that doesn’t settle my spirit – help me find my peace – isn’t wrong. The difference I’ve felt in my teachings is nothing short of amazing. I still have my days, but I am truly fighting through. Pure self-love is all I’ve been giving myself. Through meditation, yoga, writing out plans, changing my number, creating new socials, picking and choosing my battles wisely, and the list goes on. Something as simple as scalp massages after oiling my scalp has made me feel better. I don’t know exactly what it was that came over me because I didn’t want to do anything. Sleeping until 3 P.M., barely eating, negative thoughts, feeling like I had to confront everything and everyone. Then, one day I woke up to more bad news, but I didn’t feel anything. I felt so numb it was ridiculous. Maybe it was my mental getting tired of me honestly.
I used to feel bad for saying, “I want to be better for me before I’m better for anyone else”. Now, I realize that that’s exactly what I’m doing and why it’s so necessary. I even took my daughter outside yesterday for the first time in weeks. Yes, my children have been affected by my mental changes. Being as though I like to be open and honest with you guys, I’ll tell you that I also take antidepressants. What I’ve learned since starting them is that they can’t do their job if you don’t do yours. Meaning you have to do some positive practices on top of taking them. You can’t just take the pills and think life is going to turn into cupcakes and rainbows – which is what I thought. The only thing I don’t like is that they make me sleepy, but I fight through that part. I am on a path to learn the better half of myself. A path that allows me to recognize my full potential without needing validation from others. A path that allows me to not feel guilty when making decisions that I feel are best for me – even when they hurt others. A path that allows me to be okay with my overall process.
I am firm believer that you can and should start over however many times you feel necessary until YOU FEEL YOU GOT IT RIGHT. This is a fresh start for me and I plan to get this one right.