And I’m Still Not Ready

The pressure is automatically on the moment you find out you’re pregnant. Will I be a good mom? Is having a baby the best idea right now? How will my significant other feel? What will my parents say? Who’s going to watch my baby when I go back to work? The questions never end, that’s just where they begin.

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Believe me that wasn’t even half of what went through my mind when I found out the first time. Both experiences – pregnancies – were bad, but my second pregnancy was the worst. I had to walk around with a Zofran pump just to get up and move around because I was that sick. But that wasn’t the worst part for me. Not wanting to bring my child into this world was. I know someone is already saying, “Well you decided to have unprotected sex, so…”. And to them I’ll say,

  1. Mind your business especially if you’re not a mother and can’t relate to that painful feeling
  2. Finish reading my post before you judge me

annalisecrying.gifWith my first things were completely different. Their father was there through everything so no matter what I was going through I had him to fall back on. With my second he was gone because he was going through basic training and AIT – which is the military. At that time my mental was also crumbling to the extreme. I know it sounds cliché but I didn’t know how I was going to get through it without him.

Therapy WAS NOT helping, the back to back bad news from my husband WAS NOT helping, him not being there WAS NOT helping and having two kids with no time for myself WAS NOT helping. I knew life was going to get tough, but not the way it did. I began having suicidal thoughts daily. I had only told my husband and sister – because they know things I wouldn’t tell anyone else. I started to feel like my children would be better off without me. You see, there are plenty people who find their purpose and drive to not give up through their children, but that wasn’t the case for me.

If I’ve learned anything since becoming a parent it’s that I can’t be the best mother to my children if I’m not even the best me for myself. You know like I know that you can’t help anyone if you can’t help yourself. And that’s not something you should beat yourself up about. I saw the beauty in my baby and that’s when the guilt sunk in. Hear me when I say there are mothers who feel and have felt the way that I did. Of course, people judge mothers when they make that confession, but that’s the issue. No one ever stops to ask why she feels/felt that way. They simply bash her because not only is it the easiest thing to do, but nobody cares. All they see is that “those babies need a mother”, but what about their mother?

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Understand that everyone needs someone and most mothers don’t have anyone. Friends who don’t have kids that can’t understand why you rarely go out anymore which is why they ask, “You can’t find somebody to watch them?” so freely. Family that does nothing except overstep because they’re trying to write their wrongs with your kids because it’s too late to do it with their own. Not to mention feeling like their dad doesn’t even understand. He’s your partner and their father, yes, but he’s also their father not their mother.

EVERY MOTHER NEEDS A BREAK AND SOME DAMN HELP. She’s going to do what’s necessary to get the job done, but she needs a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear – and then some. Before you judge a mother without knowing her story think about your mother. Have you ever seen her down, but smiling like nothing was wrong in the face of others? Have you ever seen your mother come home tired, but she still made sure you – your siblings and your dad – were okay? Well that’s every present mother.

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It’s going on 3 years and I’m still not ready. But I wake up every single day and remind myself that my children NEED ME. Yes, they have dad and family, but no one is going to love and care for them the way that I do.

TO ANY MOTHER OUT THERE DOUBTING HERSELF I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE AWESOME. IT’S BETTER TO DO THE BEST YOU CAN FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN THAN TO GIVE UP AND DO NOTHING AT ALL. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. THERE ARE MOTHERS ALL OVER WHO LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT. CONTINUE BEING THE BEST MOTHER YOU’VE BEEN BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU FOR IT.

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