I used to take it to heart when people would tell me I’m “too sensitive” or “too emotional”. It made me feel weak but as I got older, I realized it’s a good thing in more ways than one. One of those ways being you’ll never have to guess if something is or isn’t wrong with me. It’s like a blessing and a curse though. I don’t want people to have to play the guessing game with me, but sometimes I can’t hide it – that something is actually wrong.
I won’t lie I don’t always speak on what I feel right away, but I (also) go off the person. Let me explain that last part. *takes deep breath* I don’t waste my time expressing how I feel to certain people because I know it’s a waste of time. They either don’t care, or nothing gets solved. I notice so many are “too grown” for childish stuff, but they’re too childish to have conversations about how they made me feel too. I’m always trying to hold onto people and save our relationship, but it’s not the same on the other end. That is something I should’ve grown out of years ago yet it’s happening now. It’s more like a force I’m not even going to lie to you, but it’s a necessary force. I am, and let me repeat, I AM TOO SENSITIVE FOR RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND. But my sensitivity allows me to see who the person truly is too. I’m always looking for the same love, support, and understanding that I give. My expectations are what leave me feeling a way although I know better than to have any.
My biggest issue when it comes to my emotions and relationships – of any kind – is my concern of how others feel towards me – especially when we’re not seeing eye to eye. I’ve learned how those in my life handle things whether it was through something with us or them venting about their own issues. However, it seems like no one is ever handling things, with me, the way they tell me they do. The same way I said I don’t want anyone to have to play the guessing game with me – and my emotions – I don’t want to have do so with anyone else either. Yet, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing which is why it’s officially time for me to move forward.
I’m doing things different this time around because I have to be honest with myself. I have so much inner work I need to do that I can’t keep spending time trying to figure out how or why others feel the way they do. I’ve always felt this guilt when not doing what others want me to, but what about me? I can’t name one person that’s asked me how I’m doing since opening up about what I’m currently struggling with. But I know I feel a way because I expected those people to care. See, having expectations is something I need change. Some things are truly bigger than us but we do pick and choose what we care about no matter how fucked up it can make us look.
- My 30-day cleanse which will consist of me physically writing down the days and how I feel each day after a situation. It’s to see how I feel at the end of the cleanse which will help me determine if the person adds more stress than value to my life and I can then decide if they’re worth keeping around or not.
- Changing my number because since moving people from back home and where I currently live have shown their true colors and I’d rather not keep answering their text/phone calls out of guilt.
- Taking more time to teach myself that doing what’s best for me isn’t wrong – regardless of how others feel.
- Putting me first because I can’t help anyone if I can’t help myself.
We all handle things in our way, but I’ve been handling mine in a way that makes others feel better…. NOT ANYMORE. I have to accept that not everyone will understand me and my choices. I have to accept that what I am going through is something deeper than I thought and I can’t help anyone until I figure out how to help myself. I have to accept that people aren’t who I thought they were. I have to accept that even those who say they care, don’t. I have to accept that my emotions can be a good way to help determine what is and isn’t worth it. I have to accept that people are going to do what’s best for them regardless of how I feel. And I have to accept that I am a human being with feelings too and I don’t always have to agree with everyone if they really value me.
I have come such a long way. Through all the laughter, tears, and any and every other emotion. I have to be here for me now. I have to stop caring more about you than you do about me. I’m taking a step back from what I wish things were and moving forward accepting what things actually are.