I used to be so proud to say, “I’m here if you need me” but that has changed drastically within the last month. I wanted to be liked by everyone, I wanted to be the friend that everyone wanted/needed to turn to, I wanted people to treat me how I treat them, and I wanted to feel included. I have an issue with getting TOO COMFORTABLE, TOO FAST. I thought my issue was “having a big heart” – which is a blessing and a curse – but that’s not it. It’s easier for me to cease communication with someone that does something forgivable while I hold onto those who do unforgivable things which is the problem. This last month has showed me how cruel I’ve been to myself as far as friendships go. I’ve been so pressed for friends that I’ve allowed myself to accept the first person smiling in my face….. MY MISTAKE.
I’ve identified that I am too nice, and people prey on that. They notice how available and giving I am which is why they put me last. I find myself being more to others than they are to me and that is when I began to grow distant. It gets to a point where I’m basically forcing myself to interact with people I no longer have a liking for. Why don’t I like them? Because it’s a friendship not a relationship so it doesn’t have to be difficult, yet it is. I don’t want to check up on you regularly, you don’t do the same, then get upset when I stop. Where is your effort? I’ve had enough one-sided friendships and relationships that I can recognize when that is exactly the case.
You can call it fake, you can call it cordial, you can call it whatever you want but this is how I operate. I’m not explaining myself to you and I (probably) won’t want to mend anything. Here’s the breakdown…
- I’m not explaining myself to you because AS AN ADULT you know when you do or say something fucked up. Whether you choose to admit it or not, YOU KNOW. As the person who hurt me I don’t see a need to explain what you did to me as my reasoning to stop dealing with you.
- I (probably) won’t want to mend things because I give too many chances so even if it only happens once, I KNOW ME. The second I forgive you I’m going to keep letting you get over on me to the point that I’ll express myself and I’ll end up wrong. Even though it’s not my fault.
It’s rare that I call anyone my friend. I’ll say something like “This lady (man, boy or girl) I met…”, because that’s what they are. Sharing a couple laughs together doesn’t make us friends. I’m learning that a lot of people would rather call themselves a friend in place of actually being one. They’ll judge you before they try to understand you – or your situations. They’ll make up excuses to not do things you ask. They’ll see you starve before they offer a helping hand. They’ll tell your business and smile in your face later. They’ll say, “I got you” and tell the rest of the world when they helped you. They’ll ask you for/expect a deal before supporting your business – by paying full price like everyone else. But overall, they’ll expect more from you than they’ve ever given.
I want to get back to being okay doing things by myself. There was a time I’d do a lot alone and didn’t care whether or not someone invited me or declined my invitation. I WAS CONTENT BEING BY MYSELF. I want to stop feeling bad for not responding to text and calls when people go days to weeks without responding to me. I want to be around people who value me the way I value them. I don’t want to have to keep worrying about if someone is using me for their convenience or not. Right now, I’m taking a break from trying to figure out if people are truly my friends or not, to appreciate me for a while. Once I value myself I won’t keep dealing with half ass friends who only want to be such when they have no one else to turn to.