As women we have our times where we can admire another woman and actually mean it. Y’all know some of y’all shady as hell for no reason. It’s not a shit show of
“I wish I was her” or “I wonder if I did that how my man would feel” for you, but that’s exactly how it was for me. I created this habit of comparing myself to other women after being cheated on. It wasn’t just once or twice or three times, so it wasn’t that hard for me to question what was so wrong with me. It wasn’t until recently that I decided to own it and put an end to it.
Now, I’m not going to go down memory lane to give full details of how I was cheated on, when, and with whom. But I will say I haven’t been in a relationship where I wasn’t cheated on. You see, I am a firm believer that your partner helps boost your confidence, but they ALL ruined mine. I’m sure someone is asking, “How can anyone ruin your SELF confidence?” and while you may not understand this, here’s my answer. When you love someone more than you love yourself and place your value in their hands, it’s easy to doubt everything about you. You’re looking for them to tell you how beautiful you are, for them to tell you how nice your body is regardless of how you feel about it, for them to notice and like your new hairdo, for them to notice you got your nails and feet done. It’s like looking for acceptance in everything you do because you don’t want to disappoint them and that’s the biggest mistake I ever made in relationships. And although I kept dealing with the same type of guy there was one who really messed me up.
You see, I wanted to be that girlfriend my man posted on his page with the cute captions – long or short. I wanted to be that girlfriend who knew all his friends and their girlfriends. I wanted to be that girlfriend who was able to post her man without being laughed at by some random broad because she slept with my man last week and I didn’t know. But I’m sure by the way I ended that last sentence you can tell I got the complete opposite of all of that, literally. I was the secret girlfriend that only two friends knew about – I think it was three. I was the secret girlfriend who was only called beautiful when he was acting weird after he cheated. I was the girlfriend whose body only got praised in the mist of being rubbed on before he THOUGHT we were going to have sex. You peep the pattern yet? I was the girlfriend who only got the attention I wanted and deserved after he cheated and needed to cover it up. I caught onto it sooner than later, but he also admitted it to me. For the longest I couldn’t understand why he was so shitty to me then became clingy out of nowhere. It wasn’t until things started adding up to me and being brought to my face that I understood exactly what was happening.
It was crazy to finally see some of these women – through socials and his phone – and the things he’d say to them. The fact that he stepped out multiple times was one thing. But to watch him praise these women for their hairstyles and mani’s and pedi’s was crazy to me because he wouldn’t even offer to pay for mine. Till this day I ask myself how in the fuck could he complain about me not keeping mine up knowing I didn’t have the money and he wasn’t offering either. It gets more frustrating though. Not only was he not paying for every two weeks at the nail salon, he would get mad if I said I wanted my hair done. See I’ve always been natural, rocking the short cut or growing a twa – teeny weeny afro. And I’m looking at these women with these inches thinking that’s what he likes. I mean he has to for all of them to have it, right? So, what was the issue with me having it too? It didn’t matter what it was that I tried to mimic he found a problem with it. Which brought me to the conclusion that I was home for him, I was his comfort and that’s what kept him coming back. NO THIS ISN’T ME GOING SOFT. I realized that men who cheat always come back because they know there’s no other woman who will make him feel the way she does, yet he still won’t search for an ounce of respect to give her.
Do you know how hard it is to doubt yourself because the love you have for someone isn’t the same or even close to the love they have for you? Do you know how embarrassing it is to have women he’s slept with come after you because they can’t get to him? Do you know how hard it is to fight for a spot you own because he’s not letting that be known? No, really, do you know? I spent years being hard on myself because someone’s son didn’t value me or love me properly. Yet, I was willing to change everything about myself to make him happy. I came to my senses last week while doing my nails because I was going to do them long again and I stopped myself. I like long nails however I prefer short because they’re easier for me to function with. It’s no longer what the guy or the men of my past like. And yes, even being married this habit haunted me until now. Long hair, short hair, real hair, fake hair, big butt, little butt, long nails, short nails, big belly, little belly, it doesn’t matter what I have because they missed out. Now, it’s time for me to learn to love me again and accept every inch of who I am. I don’t give a damn who it is I’m not seeking validation from anyone anymore.
Outside of horrible relationships we do have a tendency to compare ourselves to other women. Wishing we had her body, her style of hair, her choice of nails, etc. Not because we want to be her, but because she looks good. We – well some of us – can give another woman a compliment and not say something slick afterwards under our breath. It’s easy to fall short of confidence, but to stay there is another story. It’s hard for some women to give a compliment because they’re insecure. Some hate half the women that walk by regularly because of pain she’s endured from a relationship. But what I want you to remember is YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. Your body, hair, nails, even the way you walk may not be where you want it to be but it’ll get there.
Stop thinking that your relationship would be better if you were her or looked like her. Whether you do or don’t look like her he’s going to treat you the same exact way because at the end of the day you’re not her. It’s okay to admire another woman but don’t ever feel like you have to be her or like her to keep a man or make you a better you. If you have to try to be someone else for YOUR man he ain’t yours anyway.
VALUE YOURSELF BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T NOBODY ELSE WILL. AND DON’T ALLOW ANYONE TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO BE SOMEONE OTHER THAN WHO YOU ARE. IF THEY CAN’T ACCEPT YOU FOR YOU, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE WITH THEM.