I asked someone close to me how they felt about something in particular. Of course it was about something I do. I didn’t ask because I wanted to know it was more like a need to know. I’m the type that wants to know how you feel at all times. I DON’T WANT TO PLAY THE GUESSING GAME WITH YOU AND YOUR EMOTIONS. I don’t want anyone blaming me for the sadness or negativity they feel after every conversation that we have.
This certain someone never expresses themselves until they’re fed up. And boy oh boy I tell you when that shit comes out, IT COMES OUT. It’s like being led on by your crush, they know they’re leading you on, you ask how they feel and then BOOM! They’re flipping out saying they never liked you and you led yourself on. How would you be left feeling? Upset, sad, crushed? Exactly! And as messed up as that sounds I still don’t want to take it to heart anymore because…
- I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is who they are. Not that it justifies the lack of communication and how it comes out once it finally does.
- It’s NOT MY FAULT that they choose not to speak up until I ask. Which I will continue to say as needed.
- I don’t want to look at myself as who they describe me as ONLY WHEN THEY’RE UPSET. Because if that’s how they really feel about me it should be able to be expressed outside of their frustration too.
I’ve taken damn near everything to heart because it seems like I’m always to blame for things – with certain people. It’s hard as hell holding my tongue so that I’m not wasting my time fighting battles that aren’t worth it. But it’s harder hearing those things from those closest to me and people who never gave me a chance to begin with. I’ve grown tired of listening to people tell me I hurt them after they let their guard down to me when I didn’t tell them to. Tired of people telling me how selfish I am when they barely or never help me – yet always have their hands out to me. Tired of hearing how inconsiderate I am when they ALWAYS put themselves first and do things on their time, but make it seem as though they’re so giving and considerate of my time. Oh and let me not forget those who try to make me feel bad for not allowing them the relationship they desire with my children.
I let people be who they are, as I should, but some aren’t able to do the same when it comes to me. I don’t want to feel obligated to change the way people view me – which only comes out when they’re upset. I don’t want to feel obligated to do something that’ll make me uncomfortable in return of something someone chose to do for me. I don’t want to feel obligated to let people express themselves to me in a fucked up manner because they “don’t ever say anything”. I don’t want to feel obligated to do or allow anything that’ll make me question my overall self.
From this day forward I’ll try my hardest to not look too deep into people’s words. Don’t get me wrong I do know that some people are afraid to speak up while others feel there’s no point. However, if it’s someone you care about then why not express yourself? Communication is key but people act as if it’s a crime to do so in a calm manner. I am who I am and if I’m considered this selfish, inconsiderate person some say I am then STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.