Whether you were raised the same or not, some of us are truly blinded by the toxins of our families. Your significant other should make you a better person or at least make you want to become one and vice versa. They open your eyes to things you always felt were a problem but don’t know how to voice when it comes to your family. They are the answer to your problems, but the problem to your family. Why? Because you become more comfortable being who you really are and doing what you feel with them around and your family doesn’t like it.
Your family sees it as you’re changing, and your significant other is to blame for that. Which I’ve been dealing with for the last few years to the point that I’m comfortable with it. Seriously, if people are okay blaming me for the changes – per them – of my partner when they don’t even know me, I have to be okay with that. When my relationship started I walked in wanting to be liked by every member of his family I met. By year two – actually way before that – it was apparent that wasn’t going to happen, but that didn’t stop me although it should’ve. There was always somebody making me the blame for why he didn’t attend a family event, or why a relationship was ruined. But nobody ever stopped to think maybe he wasn’t coming because not only did he not have to, but he didn’t want to. That those relationships fell short or changed because of things he did or they went through in the past that affected his present or future, but no, nobody saw it that way.
It was always “he don’t know that girl” or “they not gone last” or “she the reason he…”. And till this day I continue to hear “nobody thought y’all would be together” as an excuse to the lack of respect the family had and has for me. My whole thing is regardless of what anyone thought or (still) refuses to believe, I AM STILL HERE. AND OVERALL I AM A HUMAN BEING WHO DESERVES RESPECT. This is going to sound crazy, I know it, but I get it – believe it or not. I understand his family’s frustration because he goes from being around them 24/7, attending every family event to never being around or reaching out to anyone. If someone made a drastic change like that I’d question it too, but I wouldn’t blame it on their significant other.
A significant other holds a special place in a person’s life. With that being said you can only imagine how hard it is to have to fight for a spot that’s designated for you. No one wants to keep having to self-check themselves because others find it easier to blame them for an issue they didn’t create. Let’s be real, it is always easier to make someone else the issue when you don’t want to accept the truth. Whether that truth be about you or someone you care for deeply. I’ve never been put in that position and I hope I never am. I’m simply one who accepts that things do change when people get into relationships. As long as their relationship isn’t causing problems in my life, I’ll love and respect them whether I like their absence or not.
The problem with so many families is the disconnect they have of how family members (should) feel about them. And yes, that includes the closeness as well. Most “heads” of the family see things their way while you see it yours – which is the actual way. The heads depict these relationships based off childhood and what they hope things will be – more so what they hope will remain the same. They can’t grasp the fact that things DO CHANGE as age does and everything can’t always remain the same. And that fact alone is why its hard for some families to accept significant others.
It doesn’t matter if you’re thinking long-term or not when in a relationship, you should PAY ATTENTION TO THEIR FAMILY. Yes, I get it, you’re with him/her, but their family is still their family whether you like it or not. And as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news you need to know everyone isn’t willing to stand up to their family for you. I never made him feel he had to choose between me and his family. I was the one pushing him to go to family events and talk things over and just be open, but I also let him know I didn’t want to be included. I didn’t make him feel he had to choose because I’m not that person, I feel your relationship and family are two things that aren’t even equal, and to me making him choose would only show I didn’t feel secure in my position which hasn’t been and isn’t the case. I respect any and everyone until I’m given a reason not to and then I keep my distance. Their family will still be there whether you are or aren’t which is another reason I never made him choose. You don’t have to be around their family if you don’t want to be, but understand y’all may cross paths at some point. If your relationship isn’t solid then don’t even worry about their family because they’ll only make it worse.
My advice to anyone dealing with this is don’t take it to heart. I’m not saying allow people to disrespect you, but keep your distance at the first sign of it. Because 9 times out of 10 it won’t get better. I spent too much time explaining myself to people I owe nothing to. Yes, they’re his family but my issue was I wanted to see them as mine too. What I learned instead is that everyone isn’t open and acceptant to change – especially when they’re the ones who control everything and have no control. At this point there’s honestly not much that bothers me because I KNOW WHO I AM. Continuously putting yourself out there after you’ve been disrespected doesn’t always show that bigger person in you. To some it simply says that you’re too pressed to be liked and you need to be able to identify which way you’re viewed.