Have you ever wanted something so bad, for so long, then you finally get it and don’t want it? You’re stuck asking yourself why all of a sudden, wondering what’s (really) the motive? Even though it’s finally happening, and you want to be happy, you can’t help but question it. You’ve begged and begged for this day to come and now that it’s here it doesn’t feel right. Well, that’s what happened with me wanting to be loved and treated the way I felt I deserved.
I spent a lot of time feeding “you’re happy” to myself because I wanted to be so bad. I didn’t want to be that partner every (immature) man feels women already are. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings telling him that I was unhappy every single day because of the lack of love and affection he wasn’t giving me. I used to be happy hearing “I love you”, but it no longer means anything to me from anyone. Actions speak louder than words and it’s so easy to say those words without putting actions behind them because of how strong they are – more so how strong we’ve been taught to believe they are. Those words meant everything to me until I stopped acting as if I didn’t know people throw those three words around the same way they throw themselves around. It’s one thing to say you love me while it’s another to show me you love me.
Do you know what it’s like to get on socials – or be out with people – and see couples doing everything you feel you deserve, and all you can do is wonder why you don’t have it? They’re on vacations, date nights, coming home to surprises, etc. So, I started to wonder if it was me asking for too much. But I figured if a man has enough time to cheat and party on his own, he simply doesn’t want to give me that treatment– even though he is fully capable of doing so. I know, I know you’re probably thinking, “How do you even know they’re happy?”, but that’s not the point. They may not be happy, they may be on the verge of a divorce or a breakup, or mad at each other and that night may have been their starting point to try and fix their issues. Or maybe their friends and/or family had set that up for them because they see the hard times they go through. I don’t know their personal life no more than you do, but my point is that they’re making the time to do those things. It has to be important to the both of them for it to happen regardless of how or why it happened and continues to happen.
The reason it became so hard for me to accept the “I want to do better” treatment was because I got so used to it being spur of the moment. I don’t feel like you really understand what it’s like to watch the man you love, wholeheartedly, live his best life without you. Even though he tried to downplay it as if he didn’t do much, it’s the fact that the times he did it was always without me. And in his spare time, he slept, played the game, or laid around watching tv with no thought of doing anything except what HE wanted to do later on – WITHOUT ME. So, of course, I spent a lot of time thinking it was someone else to the point it got unhealthy for me. I stopped waiting on him to do things and I went out.
You would’ve thought the world was coming to an end because he was so upset that I did something without him or his consent. Yes, I did ask him if he was okay with me going out and that’s not control it’s called being considerate. Even though he never did anything with me I asked just in case because I could’ve gone out and he called later saying, “I had plans for us”, even though that never happened. I ended up going out because people I was cordial with – I very seldom call people my friend – kept saying I needed to get out, and I agreed. I can honestly say I regret not living my life back then because I will never get that time back. I was too busy looking to enjoy my life with someone who said they loved me so much that I forgot I was my own person. That was MY TIME TO LIVE CARE FREE – yet cautiously. That was my time to go on vacations, go to parties, stay out all night and wake up the next morning with a hangover, to create memories to look back on and I ruined all of that waiting on someone else.
Now, as a mother and wife, I live my life around the schedule of the family I’ve created. I LOVE MY FAMILY, however there are times I’d like a break from being the glue that keeps everything together. I want to sleep, or lay around, one day and know that between my husband and our children the clothes will be washed, folded, and put away. I want to go out for a night or on a “momcation” and not wonder if my husband made dinner and washed the dishes, if the kids cleaned their rooms, or if my husband simply isn’t calling me because he wants me to think he has it altogether – even though he’s losing his mind like I do regularly.With others depending on me it’s hard to up and take a break because I know certain things can’t get done without me.
My advice to anyone is put you first, in a relationship or not. I don’t mean be selfish and not care about the well-being or feelings of others. What I’m saying is don’t base your decisions strictly off of your partner who does what they see fit all the time. Don’t sit around, literally, waiting for him/her to change because if they want to, they will. Stop overthinking every decision because you’re afraid it’ll run him/her away – because if it does it shows they’re either not ready or not the one for you.
A relationship isn’t all fun and games, it requires a lot of work and will only work if both people – or more – want it to work. I know there are people who are comfortable sharing their guy/girl with others, so I don’t want to exclude them. But don’t base your life off that ONE person because he/she may not even be the one for you. Sure, y’all been together for five years, working on a family, living together, put y’all name on things to share together, etc. But that doesn’t mean anything to someone who secretly isn’t ready or doesn’t want to be with you. I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news, but because it’s happened to me I can tell you this… You might have been put in their life to get them ready for the next.
Stop living your life waiting for them to change when you know it won’t happen. Or at least you know it’s not going to happen right now. I’ve seen people not take opportunities because they were afraid to lose the person they’re with and too busy feeding to themselves that they would change – and I was one of those people. Sometimes the best thing to do is walk away and if you guys don’t end up together at least you’ll be able to say you didn’t waste your time. What I’ve learned about relationships is that it’s not about two people who want to be together. It’s about two people willing to put the work in to stay together.