Love is one hell of a drug and it’ll have you wondering if you’re worthy of it – if you’re loved wrong or by the wrong person. A lot of people don’t know what love is and that’s why we find ourselves settling so often. We want love so bad that we feel guilt for leaving someone who continuously hurts us. We feel more pain for them being upset that we no longer want to deal with their inconsistency that we stay again, and again, and again, and again. It’s said that if it’s meant to be that it’ll come back to you, but some mess up so bad that they can’t let go. You’re ready to move on and they’re all of a sudden ready to do right by you so you stay…. again.
I spent a lot of time alone, having trial and error situationships and I am so glad I’m not with any of those people. I was stern in what I wanted in a partner, at least I thought I was, until I fell in love. “Love is blind, and it’ll take over your mind” is the only way I can describe the “love” I was given. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another and I always stayed because I was looking at who he had the potential to be instead of who he was. It wasn’t just cheating, it was being talked about, being used, lied to, and then the justifications used as if I was supposed to understand and blame myself for what HE CHOSE TO DO. And for a while I did blame myself until I realized that no matter what he did or said, HE WAS ALWAYS RIGHT BACK IN MY FACE. I’ll tell anyone, from the women he was with to those closest to him, he kept coming back because he wanted to so who was the real issue?
There was nothing wrong with me then and it’s still not, he was the issue because he couldn’t figure out what he wanted besides what he wanted. If you didn’t catch that I’m saying he wasn’t ready to grow up and find what he needed in one person because he was too busy getting temporary satisfaction from people dumb enough to give it to him. I don’t know what exactly made me tired of the cycle, but I got tired. I kept asking myself why was I fighting to be in a happy relationship with someone who clearly wasn’t happy? Telling me “it’s not you” doesn’t make me feel any better either – but I still refuse to take the blame for him not being able to appreciate me. I lost myself in him and I’ll never blame him for that, but I will blame him for taking advantage of my willingness to forgive.
Love isn’t supposed to hurt so don’t allow yourself to deal with what I have. I understand that you may love him but at some point, you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it. Are you going to sit around waiting for him to keep his word about changing or act like you know another man will love you the way you deserve to be loved? (Some) Men do have a way of making you feel bad for wanting to leave once you realize you deserve better. Don’t let his insecurities keep you from happiness and the love you deserve.
Do I believe that he can change? Of course, I’ve seen change with my own two eyes, but that doesn’t mean he can’t fall back into the same pattern(s). What I saw in myself was that I was more concerned about keeping a man rather than respecting myself – and making him feel he had to as well. I’ve learned that some men weren’t taught to be men – no matter how many people in his life say he was – and you don’t make it easier letting it slide. Some do repeat the toxic habits they saw growing up and even though it bothered me to hear, it is true that a man will only change when he’s ready whether you are or aren’t the one. Now, as a wife and mother, I see things different. I’m a mother first and I don’t care who thinks otherwise. I’ve spent too much time putting people before me and trying to prove why I’m a great partner worthy of love, including my own husband.
These days I’ll accept nothing less than what I deserve – the random “just because” flowers, the random “I love you because….” text, date nights, being shown off on and off social media, my frustrations to be understood and not looked at as complaints, etc. Settling is what I won’t do because it got me hurt thinking I’d get what I gave. Material things mean nothing to me, they’re nice, but they’re easy outs so the work doesn’t have to be put in.