Whenever I ask for ideas about what I should write about everyone always says write about my life as a military spouse. I’ve been putting off writing about it, making excuse after excuse. So, I decided that I’d write about why I’ve avoided writing about it for so long.
There’s been nothing about this process that’s made me happy at all except moving and being in our own space. Ever since he joined the military it’s as if people decided to fall broke and it’s become a, “You owe me because I did .… for you”, and I can’t get with that. People hear military and automatically think money, but he has a family and responsibilities so that’s where his money goes. I’m not understanding why now since everyone thinks he has money, they want to set reminders for him of what they’ve CHOSEN to do for him and/or his family. The same people who I sat venting to about how much it angers me that people think being in the military automatically means you have no money worries – and they agreed with me – are the same exact people with their hands out. Does it not matter to anyone that he does have two children? I don’t understand people like that anyway because you shouldn’t go around doing for people looking for something in return because nobody has to give you anything. That’s why I try not to ask people for help because people who look for something in return once you get on your feet, their help was never genuine to begin with, they just made you feel as though it was and that’s why you didn’t mind accepting their “help”.
Another thing that’s been bothering me is people all of a sudden being so pressed to see our children. Our children don’t know many except their grandparents and a few aunts, uncles, and cousins on both sides. Even if we weren’t military they wouldn’t know many because it’s not our responsibility to make sure our kids know you. You want to see them, right? No one ever came to see them while we were home nor, did they call us so keep that same energy now that we’re gone. People want to be able to have a story to tell because they don’t hear from him and get upset because he always calls his wife and kids, but why wouldn’t he? “The family you come from is important, but the family you create is priority”, and as much as that may hurt some it’s the truth. Why would he miss an opportunity to talk to his children and wife – THAT HE HASN’T SEEN IN MONTHS – for a phone call that’ll probably turn into some bullshit and leave him unhappy wishing he never considered calling to begin with? I’ll never forget the first few months of him being away. It was too much for me and I saw the true colors of those around me which is why I keep my distance now.
It’s so crazy to me how everyone is so sad and upset now because they don’t hear from him or see the kids, but no one called to check on him or the kids when they were near. Notice how I said “no one called to check on him or the kids”, because I didn’t mention myself but I’m getting to that. I don’t get the sense that anyone genuinely cares they just want to be able to say they’re affected by his absence. I don’t take anyone’s feelings into consideration because mine are always pushed to the side. At some point in every conversation it quickly switches to, “Where the kids?”, WHAT? Am I not sitting here venting to you and you completely bypass what I’m saying and ask to speak to my kids? I already don’t get acknowledgement as his wife – he’d say his better half – but I’m the bad guy because I stopped talking to people. The reality of it is he doesn’t want to talk to anyone other than his wife and kids yet I’M THE ONE always telling him to talk to people and call me the next chance he gets because that’s who I am. But because I’m not living off anyone else’s terms anymore they don’t care to see that. He’s not going to tell anyone he doesn’t want to talk he’ll simply ignore you and at this point I’m going to let him. I don’t owe anybody anything so others not hearing from him isn’t my issue nor is not hearing from me or seeing our kids. When people can respect me and my space then we can be on speaking terms, but until then I have nothing to say.
At the end of the day the distance is a killer especially with two kids. Nobody is worried about him being deployed, – but when he’s gone everyone gone have so much to say and things they wish they did different – when he’ll see his kids again, what his wife and kids need, how we are mentally, and that’s just to name a few. So, the next time you pick up the phone to call me think four times, not twice, but four times before the first thing you ask is when I’m bringing my kids to see you because I AM NOT. The next time you call him think four times, not twice, but four times before asking him for anything or telling him that he owes you something.
You get to go home to your lover, I don’t. You get to talk to your lover on a regular, I don’t. Do you know how many nights I sat up waiting for a phone call I knew wasn’t coming because he wasn’t allowed to have his phone? But I still held onto that small piece of faith thinking someone may give him his phone just because. This whole process is tough for me especially raising our kids by myself. So, the last thing I need is people on my back upset because I don’t want them calling me every single day to talk to the kids. They’re 2 months and (about to be) 2, there’s really nothing they can talk about. I’d rather send pictures than have people call me to act as if they care about me just to talk to the kids. I’ve been there many times, anytime of the day for plenty people and there’s not many here for me during this time, but that is absolutely okay.
I act accordingly and don’t forget much, but right now my focus is the family I’ve created. As much as I don’t want to live alone with our kids completely away from anyone I know, I also don’t want to live with people that are going to overstep, but not help. Help isn’t telling me what you feel my kids should do or eat. Help isn’t you questioning my every move as a parent. Help is you being there when I need you because I don’t need anyone holding anything over my head ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S SOMETHING THEY CLAIM TO HAVE DONE OUT THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEART. I’ve depended on my parents and my kids godparents these last few months, but I have to stop that too. It’s not about them not minding, it’s about me being an adult who is married with two children and needing to face the reality that her reality is scary. Because I don’t know when I’ll see him again and I don’t know if my kids will start to wonder, but that’s why every chance I get I remind them who their father is and sometimes he gets to see them through video chat. Yes, they’re young but believe me kids know. My two-year-old runs around the house yelling “Dada” and I have to tell her that he isn’t here and sometimes she just takes a seat where she is after. Not sure why she does that, but it’s only when I tell her that her father isn’t here.
The truth hurts which is the main reason I’ve avoided talking about this. Whenever someone calls it’s to talk to the kids or it’s, “Have you talked to… why not?” Well, have you asked them why they haven’t called me or him? At some point being the bigger person gets tiring and I am beyond it. I keep seeing these post that read, “Wanna find out who your true friends are? Join the military”, and it’s nothing but truth. He had all these friends, but not one of them call to check on his family or him. It bothered me so much at first until I came to the realization that some people only know you when you can do something with or for them. And if he is not bothered by it then I have to let it go. I’ve noticed he’s become a lot less vocal with others since he’s been gone, but I don’t mind saying what he won’t. I’m the one dealing with his pains and frustrations at the end of the day and that’s fine. What’s not okay is those who feel they’re owed something during this time because I’ve never seen so many people call either of us until now. I’ve decided to wash my hands of things because I know there are apologies I’ll never get and a lot of people who can’t handle the truth. Family or not, YOU GET THE RESPECT THAT YOU GIVE. You can’t think that it’s okay for you to go around giving people the hard truth, but call disrespect when it’s given back to you. One thing my parents have always reminded me of is that someday I’m going to have my own family and I have to do what is best for us, so that is what I’m going to do.