They won’t stop bringing up the past because you won’t stop hurting them. I don’t understand this logic of expecting your significant other, the one you say you’re in love with, to simply move on from shit as if it never happened. If you’ve ever been hurt then you know that even when you think you’re finally over it, you’re not? Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN FORGIVE BUT YOU CAN’T EVER FORGET – no matter how hard you try. At only 22 there’s no reason I should be able to tell you how hurt I’ve been. However, I thought I’d share because it’s not fun when you feel alone.
I used to faithfully call other women stupid for staying with a man that belittled them, cheated on them, made them feel inadequate, and treated them as if they’d never leave until I became one. When it first started you couldn’t tell me anything and I do mean absolutely nothing. I only thought with my heart so there was no chance I was leaving. It got so bad I began to make an ass out of myself by arguing with other women because of him. Yet I was expected to stay loyal and believe any and every word that came out of his mouth. My whole thing is if you’re going to cheat, at least be able to control your hoes. And that’s not even close to the worst thing I’ve dealt with, but I got through it. I spent plenty of nights crying, asking what was wrong with me, how I could fix this until one day I literally had enough. It wasn’t me with the issue, it was him, always had been and always would be. It wasn’t my fault he didn’t appreciate the beautiful, trustworthy, faithful/loyal, loving, and caring woman in front of him.
Once I realized my worth and that someone else could love and treat me not only how I wanted, but the way I deserved it became easy to let go. The thing was once I realized this, expressed it to him, and made my actions match my words, it became hard for him to let go. He started to change by paying more attention, doing things I’d been asking him to do for months, and so much more, but it wasn’t enough for me. You can’t say I’m ungrateful because I put up with his foul ways for a really long time so him all of a sudden deciding to change didn’t make me want to stay…all of a sudden. I kept banking on his potential instead of what he showed me on a regular. Once I started giving him the cold shoulder I felt bad because deep down inside I still wanted him to prove me wrong. I wanted him to show me he could be faithful and love and care for me the way I deserved. I knew there were plenty men who could do me right, but I wanted him to do me right.
There were plenty of days I thought to myself, “Hurt him the way he’s hurt you”, but I also thought about how I’m not that person. Doing to them what they do/did to you can only complicate things more whether you stay or go. I can’t change my past, but I can change my present and my future by never accepting such again. Now, in no way, shape, or form am I telling you to leave because I know it’s hard to walk away which is probably why you won’t. People will probably call you stupid, crazy, dumb, and remind you that you deserve better than that. Most of the time these gone be the same dummies crying to you because someone hurt their hearts next and they stayed. What you choose to do is your choice but be careful because if things don’t change, you might. The person you could become may damage your future relationships.
There are plenty people out here who can love you, wholeheartedly, without hurting you. It took me a minute to realize that as well, but once you get it through your head it becomes easier to start your process – of moving on. However, I do know there are those who still have faith so more power to you. It’s nobody’s business what you choose to do, but if things don’t change at some point you’re going to have to start thinking with your brain and not your heart. I understand that the heart wants what the hearts wants, but I also know what the heart wants isn’t always good for your mind, body, or soul. You’ve spent years trying to get the love of your life to see you for who you are, yet they’ve been more concerned with seeing every other person. So, when do you get tired and see other people? – because at some point it’s beyond disrespectful and you can no longer deny that things won’t change.